Camp Happiness
by Megalophrenic
Summary: Forced to volunteer at a children's camp for publicity, Fox embarks on a frustrating adventure where crudity clashes with congeniality. M for language, drugs, and sexual innuendo.
1. Smile for the Cameras

"This is complete and utter bullshit, I won't do it," complained Fox.

The golden retriever sighed, "You have to! People love this sort of thing. I am not going to sit here as your publicist and let you ignore these wonderful opportunities!"

He curled his eyebrows, clearly not impressed. "How the fuck is helping a bunch of kids at a camp a wonderful opportunity?"

The publicist ran a paw through her long blonde hair, glancing at her tablet again. "Look, the public wants to see who Fox McCloud is. Helping these kids at this camp is a golden opportunity to show that you're a down to earth guy who loves children! We'll totally win points with the female demographic."

"I'm not a down to earth guy. I like to blow up things, and smoke pot. Oh and I hate kids. Why the hell do I gotta worry about polls anyway?"

"You know why!" she spat. "General Pepper is running to be leader of this planet and you're his most visible asset. If people don't like what they see it'll hurt the campaign. Let me put it this way. You're going to do this whether you like it or not." She shoved the tablet into his hands and headed for the door.

"Bitch."

She turned around, baring narrow blue eyes at him. "You have thirteen hours to get your shit together and meet the kids at that location." She pointed at the tablet. "Oh and don't think you can half ass this McCloud. There are going to be cameras everywhere so you're gonna put on a happy face and you're gonna do this right. Got it?"

"Oh go fuck a tree."

"After you grow up. See you in thirteen hours."

Falco looked up from the tablet just handed to him. He laughed. "They want you to do what?! Man, fuck that!"

Fox rolled his eyes. "I know I did not bust my ass saving Lylat for this."

Falco handed him the tablet back. "Well thank heaven I'm not apart of it! You better get packing!" He laid back on the couch propping his feet up with a grin.

"Oh fuck you."

"I don't think you can have that dirty mouth around six year olds buddy."

"Fuck those six year olds too."

"Now there's a quick way to go to jail."

"I wouldn't be talking Mr. 'I banged a fifteen year old whore on Zoness'," Fox started to pad away.

"That's not fair!" Falco shouted. "She told me she was twenty!"

"Whatever."

An early morning breeze was blowing calmly out of the east at Camp Happiness for Adolescents Suffering with Autism and Other Mental Illnesses. A group of twenty or thirty kids were waiting by a beautiful golden retriever with long blonde hair and blue eyes. It was Fox's publicist. A crowd of parents, camp officials and media stood nearby, some with cameras, watching the dirt road for when their exalted guest would arrive. The retriever looked miffed in her nice blue pant suit, tapping a pen on her tablet out of frustration. The canine glanced at her watch.

"Where the fuck is he?" she grumbled. One of the kids, a small coon standing next to her, heard.

"My mommy says that's a bad word." He looked up at her with big brown eyes.

The retriever glanced at the group of parents, bit her lip, and kneeled down with her purse. "Hey, ten bucks says that mommy didn't hear me say that." She handed him a small paper bill smiling.

"Wow cool!"

Just then a black sports car veered around the dirt trail ahead. The group of kids and parents took a step back unsure if the car was going to stop as it sped toward them. It swerved in front of them, its wheels locking in the dirt as it skid to an abrupt stop, kicking up a cloud of dust that drifted into the crowd. The small children started coughing, gagging, and rubbing their eyes.

The golden retriever gritted her teeth and approached the car as a fox in a brown leather jacket and sunglasses got out and surveyed the surrounding woods in front of him before turning, realizing the crowd was behind him. The crowd mumbled unsure if this was the guest they were waiting for.

The retriever paced toward him. "Nice entrance," she growled in a hushed whisper.

"Hey thanks," Fox said lazily.

The canine sniffed, "Oh God have you been drinking?"

He adjusted his shades. "Yup! It's how I get my day started!"

She glanced at her watch again. "Well congratulations you're already 14 minutes late. Walk this way please."

The retriever made her way around the front of the car toward the crowd. The small media group got their cameras ready. "Ladies and gentleman, young and old. I'd like to introduce to you Fox McCloud." She clasped her paws and smiled as Fox tiredly stumbled behind her to lean against the car. Everyone clapped which made Fox groan. He clenched his eyes shut.

"Stop that!" he shouted while cupping his ears. "It feels like someone's drilling my head with a screwdriver!"

The crowd stopped clapping and some of the kids giggled. The retriever laughed. "Fox has always had a sense of humor." She glanced nervously at the media's video cameras. "Well!" She forced a grin at the crowd as they became less and less impressed by the fox who was now sitting in the dirt against his car picking at his ear. "I'm sure the kids would love to meet Fox right?!" The kids jumped and cheered. "Then run over there and say hello!"

"NO!" he howled, trying to get up, but it was too late. The massive group of squealing children swarmed him with their little furry paws and faces.

The golden retriever grinned and looked at one of the news cameras, "Oh he just loves kids, look at him!"

"Get 'em off of me! Get 'em off!" he shouted. "I smell piss! Oh god it's pungent!" Fox struggled to stand as the kids dashed off excitedly to tell their parents they just met the great Fox McCloud. He growled and pointed at a little kitty running with a wet spot in her pants. "Someone put a diaper on that bitch right there, yeah that one." A mother whisked her away, embarrassed of her daughter.

An older obese hippo lady with a cane slowly made her way over. "I'd just like to say thank you for doing this wonderful deed."

"Who the hell are you?" Fox grumbled while straightening out his jacket.

The publicist jabbed Fox in the side with her elbow and laughed, grinning at the lady. "Fox this is the camp director Ms. Denseneck."

"Oh please call me Vilda," the wrinkled elder said with a quivering smile.

Fox took off his sunglasses and narrowed his eyes at her. "Wait a minute...so your initials are...V.D.?!" He made a raspberry with his lips and burst out laughing.

The golden retriever clenched her eyes shut, unsure of how the hippo would react.

Ms. Denseneck appeared confused but was still grinning with wide eyes. She extended her hand. "Why yes I suppose---they are. It's a---pleasure meeting you Mr. McCloud."

"Oh sorry V.D. I'd shake your hand but I don't got any protection on me." He snickered.

The retriever grumbled but forced a smile as usual. "Fox would be happy if you could show him around the camp. Perhaps just a little tour"

"Yes, I and some of the kids would be more than glad to do that," said Vilda. The old lady thought for a moment. "V.D...I like that. It's very catchy."

Fox's publicist blinked and shook her head as the hippo hobbled away.

"Crazy old bitch," Fox mumbled, pulling a flask from his back pocket to take a swig. The golden retriever groaned and knew it could only go down hill from here.

----------------------------------------------

What will Fox encounter at camp? How will he interact with the kids? What the hell is that golden retriever's name?! Stay tuned for chapter 2 to find out!


	2. Painting with Fox McCloud

General Pepper was sprinkling flakes in his fish bowl when his phone rang. He answered with his free hand. "Yes? Who's this?"

"General, it's me," the golden retriever said. "Just wanted to let you know Fox is on the camp grounds and that things are going...," she searched for a word. "...peachy."

"Peachy?" he growled. "I hate peaches. Tell me how my boy is." He oogled at his goldfish, tapping the glass.

The golden retriever squinted at Fox in the distance who was sitting in the grass smoking a joint. "Oh General, your boy? His spirits are... high."

"Good, now tell me what you're wearing Lassie."

She stumbled. "What? My name's not Lassie, it's..."

"Yes it is, you're that collie."

"Uh no sir, no I'm not."

"The one that the little boy can understand and she barks at danger." He sprinkled more fish food in the bowl with a stern look.

"No General I think you're confused. This is the publicist you hired for Fox. I'm not even collie, I'm a golden retriever."

"Golden WHAT?" he bellowed. "I've experimented, but I'm not into that weird pissing fetish nonsense. Quick, what color are your panties?"

"General, I'm hanging up now."

"They're black aren't they Lassie."

"Goodbye General."

"Black, but not black enough that you can't see the little skidmark you leave." There was a sigh. "Oh how I wanna smell your skidmarked panties."

She clamped her cell phone shut, utterly disgusted. Wasting no time she rushed up to Fox. She pulled the joint right out of his mouth and threw it in the grass. Her high heel then gave it a swift crushing death.

"What the fuck!" he shouted.

"We had an agreement! You're going to play nice during your stay and that means no pot."

"You fucking bitch! You don't just take jucking foints out of people's muzzles and stomp on them you hormonal cunt." He got down on all fours to look for the marijuana cigarette.

She crossed her arms unimpressed. "Get up, you have a scheduled activity with kids in front of the cameras." She grabbed him by the upper arm and tried to pull him up.

"Ow! You bitch you're hurting me!"

A little raccoon boy walked by and stopped to look at the golden retriever tugging on Fox's arm. Fox continued to shout. "She's hurting me! Fuck! Look! She's hurting..." He then saw the crushed joint in the grass and tried licking up the contents desperately.

The raccoon boy shook his head at the sight and continued on.

"Oh there you are!" Vilda called as the publicist dragged Fox into a large atrium like room. There was a small group of kids with little canvas easels in front of them to paint on and windows surrounding the room for others to watch.

"Sorry we're late," the publicist said. "Fox had an important call."

"Yeah," he mumbled at her. "Her name was Mary fuckin' Jane and you killed her."

"Fox why don't you help some of those children with their painting."

"...crushed her with your four inch heel of death. Curse your pumps and their savage beastly rage."

The golden retriever glanced down at her simple high heels. "Grow up and help the kids fucking paint," she growled between her teeth.

Vilda smiled, oblivious to the whole muttered conversation. "You may help Sally Mittens with her painting." Vilda walked over and stood by a little kitty girl. "Fox, this is Sally Mittens."

Fox recognized her when the girl turned around; it was the same gray kitty that peed her pants earlier. "Oh not this bitch."

Vilda smiled and stepped back. "Children I have an important announcement." The little ones turned around with wide eyes. "Thanks to Mr. McCloud, you no longer have to call me Ms. Denseneck. All you have to say if you want to get my attention is..." The old lady paused.

"Oh no," the publicist mumbled.

"V.D.!" The hippo grinned. There was no reaction, except from Fox who guffawed at the declaration. "Isn't that cool kids? It's like J.D. only with a V!"

Vilda returned to his side. "Thank you for humoring an old lady."

"No, I should be thanking you instead," he said, clearly the more humored one.

"Oh you're so charming." She adjusted her bottom denture and gave him a somewhat sexual glance.

Fox felt like he just tasted something bitter. "Oh...and you're so... aged."

"Like a fine wine." The obese hippo winked and hobbled away.

"More like a fine cheese."

The little kitty girl looked up at Fox with big blue eyes as soon as Vilda left the room. "Hi," Fox said. The little girl ignored him and turned around to paint a circle. He narrowed his eyes. "What the fuck's your problem, I save the planet yet you can't say hi to me?"

Vilda and the publicist watched him through a window nearby. "Well, he seems to be conversing wonderfully with Sally Mittens," the hippo said, beaming.

"I'm sure," the publicist added, still not impressed by Fox as it looked like he was just blabbing at the girl.

Fox looked around at the other kids painting and then back at the golden retriever through the window. He gave her an 'I don't know what the fuck I'm doing' look and shrugged. She gestured her hand to suggest he help the girl paint something.

He fumbled for a brush. "Here let's add another circle."

"Okay," the kitty said calmly.

Fox drew another circle right next to the girl's. The two circles were touching but his was slightly bigger.

"What is that?" the girl asked with a high pitched voice.

Fox fumbled, "I don't know. What the fuck do you think it is?" he asked indifferently. She stayed quiet. "It could be anything. It could be an infinity sign, maybe a nice pair of balls. My left one is bigger just like in this painting." He pointed to the larger circle. "Or it could be boobs, it needs two nipples. Go on and paint some nipples on those suckers."

The girl put a dot in each circle.

Vilda gasped from behind the window. "Oh great goodness!" When the golden retriever saw what was on the kitty's canvas she palmed her face, waiting for further reaction. "I don't believe it!" Vilda cried with distress. "Fox got Sally Mittens to paint two eyes! Oh it's a miracle!" The golden retriever looked over at the ranting hippo with surprise. "Genius! Amazing!" she continued to shout. The fat hippo became incoherent as she hobbled as fast as she could around to the door to the atrium.

The publicist breathed a sigh of relief, then ran in after the hippo to make sure nothing else was added to the canvas.

"What'd you think of the painting?" Fox said smugly as he walked with the golden retriever through the camp building's lobby.

"It was graphic and lewd."

"They were eyes! Get your mind out of the gutter."

"They were not eyes! They were tits! You drew tits in front of a group of six year olds."

"They were not tits! Why are you thinking about tits so much? Why are they on your mind huh?"

"Oh shutup." The golden retriever looked to the right, and saw one of the camp helpers put the crude canvas in a display case. "Well I hope you're happy. Now it's there for everyone to see." She watched a news crew run up to the display case and take more pictures. "The headlines will surely help Pepper's campaign. Fox McCloud, Pepper's key mercenary, draws breasts for children!"

"Hey that doesn't sound too bad." He smirked. "I've done worse."

"I bet," the publicist shot. "Thankfully there's no media footage of that."

"I got some amateur stuff back on my ship."

The golden retriever went slack-jawed. "That's disgusting!"

"Eh, I jack off to it once in a while. Call me narcissistic."

"What's jacking off?" came a higher pitched voice directly in front of them. It stopped the two in their tracks. They looked down to see the same small raccoon boy.

The publicist glared at Fox. "That's great. You just taught masturbation to a child that can't even ejaculate yet."

"What's ejaculate?"

"Don't answer that!" she shouted at Fox.

"When you get older, and your balls drop, and you're fucking a chick..."

"Fox stop!"

"...or jacking off or whatever, after a while things start feeling really good," The boy's big brown eyes blinked. "...and then!" Fox made an explosion gesture with his hands over his crotch. "Ejaculation."

The retriever covered her face with her paw again.

"Oh," the small boy said. He turned around and skipped away merrily.

"I can't believe you just did that," the publicist barked when the boy was out of earshot.

Fox grinned. "I'm just trying to piss you off."

"Well it's working. You're gonna get us in deep shit so cut it out."

"I bet you got real tight snatch."

"Excuse me?" she asked hotly.

"You're so uptight, it's gotta be. It's probably so tight it'd be like doing you in the ass."

He quickly met a brisk slap across the face.

He cupped his cheek. "What the fuck was that for!" he shouted, but she was already walking away.

"Bitch..."

* * *

The adventure at Camp Happiness continues. Who's that mysterious raccoon boy? What will Fox say and do next? And hey we still don't know that golden retriever's name! What gives! Stay tuned for chapter 3!


	3. The Male Bitch

Fox frantically dialed into his cell phone ducking behind a cabinet in an empty office he found. There was silence, then a ring.

The elderly hare was mixing a bowl of cookie batter humming to a tune when the phone rang. He answered. "Hello?"

"Peppy?!" came a frantic voice.

"Yes?"

"Peppy! It's Fox! Get me out of here!"

"Oh Fox! It's so good to hear from you. They were talking about you on the news just now."

"What?! Listen to me, call Pepper, tell him to pull me out of this whole thing!"

"It was all about how you helped that little retarded girl paint. Truly commendable Fox. Your father would be so proud!"

"Hello?! Are you hearing anything I say?! I said get me the fuck out of here!"

Peppy stopped mixing to lick the wooden spoon "I wonder what James is thinking right now." The hare sighed.

"He's probably thinking hey let's fucking help Fox!"

"Help?" Peppy grew concerned. "Are you in danger?"

Fox growled. "No...well yeah! Look I just need you to call Pepper and...no you know what, fuck, nevermind. Is Falco there? Get Falco, put Falco on the phone."

"Fox I'll send you some of these cookies I'm making right now. You'll feel so much better. And I'm sure the kids will love them too. Remember what I told you about sharing."

"Yeah yeah, just get Falco."

"Falco who?"

"Falco Lombardi! The guy we've flown with all these years."

"I don't recall him."

"What?! Did Slippy give you your pills?!"

"Sli...Who? What pills?"

"Fuck! Slippy!" Fox banged his head on the cabinet he was huddled against. "Peppy don't go anywhere! Just keep making those cookies or whatever."

Peppy looked around confused, "Cookies? Who's making cookies?"

Fox hung up and immediately started dialing another number. There was a ring again.

"Yo?" came a high pitched voice.

"Slippy you fucking dumb ass!"

"Oh hi Fox."

"Pills! Peppy! 4p.m.!"

There was a pause on the other end. "Oh shit."

"Yeah oh shit you sack of shit! It was your job this week!" Fox hung up and started dialing yet another number. There was no ring, but a click instead.

"Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system," said a robotic voice. "FALCO" was grunted by a male, "...is not available at this time. At the tone, please record your message."

Fox felt his fur stand on end, he heard the beep. "Falco! Keep your fucking phone turned on you dumbshit!" He shut his phone and threw it in rage. It zipped across the room, bounced off the top of a chair and burst through a window. It sailed through the air outside before smacking a raccoon boy in the face.

"For God's sakes you keep disappearing!" came a shout from the doorway. The golden retriever stood with a phone in her hand. "I've been trying to call you for the past five minutes, what the hell are you doing?"

"Gee, I don't know, jacking off?"

Her eyes went tired from the curt response.

Fox continued, "I was busy okay? Look I got a life of my own, I never wanted to come to this stupid camp with these stupid kids in the first place!"

"They're not stupid! They're just...special."

"That's the ugliest thing you've said so far." He grinned.

"Thanks, I've yet to outdo you. The sun's setting and we got a lakeside campfire thing you need to be on the cameras for. Let's go."

Fox nearly growled his sigh.

"Oh shutup, sometimes I think you're a five year old."

"Sometimes I think you're a nazi bitch."

She turned on a heel and Fox recoiled hoping not to get another slap. "When we're over with this PR shit I'm going to crush your balls McCloud. Mark my words."

A sudden smirk appear. "Oh I might like that."

"...with my stiletto heel."

"Ok maybe not."

She was already on her way out the door and Fox couldn't help but enjoy the wagging gold tail sticking out the retriever's short green skirt. Wagging the eye candy he always said.

The kids swayed around the campfire shouting out their song along with guitar and drums. "Hey Bungalow Bill! What did you kill? Bungalow Bill?" The opus was just coming to a close as Vilda tooted on a trumpet lazily. The reporters filmed the scene with diligence, especially Fox as he was the one strumming the acoustic guitar. The retriever publicist had her arms crossed but was for the first time somewhat impressed by Fox. He smirked at the cameras and winked as the kids whistled the close to the song. The small crowd of reporters started clapping to round out the finish. Fox put the guitar aside and rubbed a kitty girl's head laughing mirthfully with the youngsters.

"Kids, that's why the Beatles absolutely rock." Fox found the golden retriever's eyes and was surprised to see her smiling with actual feeling. His attention was quickly yanked when Vilda tapped him with the butt of her trumpet.

"We make a good team Mr. McCloud."

He tried to hide his disgust with the fat old hippo. "Okay V.D."

"You know Fox, if you need a room to stay in tonight, mine has a..." she cupped her cheek out of coyness, "...rather large bed."

"No thanks, I'd rather take it in the ass."

She seemed excited at the response, "I'm a backdoor Suzie myself!"

"Ew what the..." before he could finish a response a paw grabbed his arm and pulled him aside. It was the golden retriever.

"And where the fuck did you learn to play like that?" She seemed angry with him.

"What the hell! I put on a good show for your fucking cameras and you still act like a bitch to me?!"

"I was just asking a question! You're so childish!"

"Bitch bitch bitch..."

"I can't even talk to you without you blowing up!"

"Bitch bitch bitch..."

"Augh fine, you're impossible."

Fox patted another kid on the head as he walked by. "You know you really shouldn't give into stereotypes."

The retriever was caught off guard. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Oh hmm, let's think. You're a female canine. Put two and two together..." He held his hands like a balance.

The retriever's face vaulted, "You know you're a bitch too, just a different kind. You're a male bitch."

Fox laughed, "A male bitch?! What the hell is that!"

"It's you!" She stomped off nearly knocking over a little raccoon boy on her way.

The raccoon boy walked over to Fox and stood next to him watching the retriever walk further and further away. "Well," he started in an innocent voice. "No tangy tuna for you tonight." Fox was nearly about to smack the kid when he heard a phone ringing on the ground nearby. He recognized the ring tone as his and started searching the grass for it. He found it and quickly answered.

"Pizza Pizza?" came a deep bellow. "I need twenty-seven cheese pizzas immediately."

Fox looked around confused while holding the phone to an alert ear. "General Pepper is that you?"

"How do you know who this is?!" he shouted. "Pizza Pizza gives anonymous deliveries under 31 minutes! I demand a refund with my twenty-seven cheese..."

"General!" Fox yelled into the receiver. "It's me, what the hell is wrong with you?"

There was a long pause at the other end, then a short sob. "I really want a cheese pizza Fox."

"General," Fox clenched his teeth. "Could you calm down for a second?"

"...a pizza with just cheese, no other pansy ass toppings on it. Is that so hard to ask for these days? What is happening to Lylat, huh Fox? What! Your father would be so ashamed of..."

"My father!" Fox cut in, "would not be snorting cocaine on his desk right now!"

Pepper wiped the ashy white substance from his greasy nose. "How dare you! You got spies!"

"What?"

"Spies watching me! Coming after me!" Pepper slowly wheeled back in his rolly chair. "The spies! They're camouflage, but I can SEE them!"

"Pepper..."

"But can the spies handle my?!...CHOP!" He flailed from his seat and hit the wall."

The phone clicked dead and Fox blinked, slowly returning the phone to the pocket in his leather jacket.

----------------------------------------------------

The saga continues! Stay tuned!


	4. Enter Andross

The ape cackled with all his lung strength making the stone walls of his lair vibrate. His laugh went on and on until he was out of breath. He smiled at the dark dungeon around him and took a sip from the cup in his leathery hand. After a second of taste his face went cross and he spit out the brown drink all over his desk.

"What the fuck is this?!" Andross howled.

A grey wolf with an eye patch pranced up to the desk with a handkerchief. "It's a Mocha Latte just like you asked. Isn't is delish?"

"What?! A mocha fuck what?!" The ape lunged for the wolf's ear and yanked it. "I said I wanted a caramel macchiato you pissant!"

The wolf wiped down the desk with his handkerchief. "Oh come on it's freezing in here. I thought you could use something to warm up your toosh."

Andross rolled his eyes. "Please don't ever call my ass a 'toosh'. If you say that again I will shove this stryofoam cup so far up your ass that exhaling would make you a CFC violation."

"You're so uptight today Dr. Andross," A smirk peeked out from Wolf's lips. "Perhaps something to loosen you up?" He lightly stepped around the ape's chair and put his paws on the doctor's broad shoulders.

Andross flew up from his seat clearly not in the mood. "Don't you have some other dick to suck?"

Wolf scowled, "Fine, I'll be in Leon's room."

Andross watched the Wolf pad away, cringing at the sight of his tight black leather pants offset by an unusually poofy grey tail. The ape turned his attention to the monitors on his desk which were showing various maps. They were detailed schematics of a camp in a forest outside Corneria City.

"...Now the question is why is Fox McCloud at one of MY camps?" The ape mused. "Too bad he's too stupid to figure things out." He grinned and let out an evil laugh, crushing the cup in his hand. His laugh turned to a pained scream as the steaming latte singed his digits. "Ow! Shit! Cunt! Mother..."

"Fucker!" Fox shouted as a raccoon boy dashed into the only bathroom on the hallway and locked the door in front of him. He stood outside the door in just a towel when Vilda entered at the end of the hallway.

"Oh my Fox!" Her eyes glanced down his toned figure as she approached. "If you need to take a shower you can always use the one in my room."

"I'll pass, thanks."

The fat hippo frowned. "Fox, don't feel intimidated by my position. Remember, you're a guest here at Camp Happiness."

"I still pass. I pass so much that if I could pass anymore I'd pass out."

The elder laughed and poked at his leg with her cane. "There's nothing to be afraid of Fox!"

"Are you kidding me? I bet your vagina could swallow me whole. You should put a clause in the camp contract warning parents that employees aren't liable if their six year old child is eaten by a hippo cunt."

"Oh Fox, you're so witty!" She paused and thought for a moment. "That actually sounds like a good idea, I'll get my lawyer right on it!"

Fox grinned. "Boy scouts motto! Be prepared!"

"Very true indeed! In the meantime I'm going to run out and take care of some business downstairs." Before she left she motioned to the door, "Archie, that raccoon boy, is going to be in the bathroom for a long time. Poor chap has always had a thick stool problem." She sighed.

Fox scrunched his nose up and gave the door a horrified look. "You know, your shower doesn't sound so bad anymore."

On the floor below, the golden retriever eyed her room. It was simple, homey, like any other camp dorm. Her window had a nice second floor view of some trees and a clearing outside behind the building. She sighed and put down her things on the bed: itinerary, a portfolio of the camp, and her phone. The second her phone touched the sheets it went off. She quickly answered but didn't say anything at first.

"Cassie? You there?" It was Fox's voice.

She growled, "What do you want?!"

"Hey hey relax babe! I just got out of the shower, I thought you'd like to know."

"No I didn't want to know thank you very much!"

"C'mon you know you think about me naked all the time."

She cringed and tried to fight the thought. "Do you think every woman thinks that about you?!"

"If Vilda, er excuse me, V.D., thinks it, then yes."

"Ew, disgusting."

"I know!"

The golden retriever took a seat on her bed "So what is it that you really want Fox?"

"A rimjob."

"A what?!"

Fox quickly corrected with a laugh before she could react further. "No I don't know. What are you doing?"

"I'm sitting," she deadpanned.

"Sounds exciting! Come meet me in the lobby. Let's walk around or something."

Cassie sighed, "It's 11 at night. Are you not the least bit tired?"

"Nah, I just took a Supernol A.M. instead of the P.M. by accident, so now I'm wired. So come down stairs now."

"What are you some kind of pill popper?!" She paused "Wait, don't answer that. I already know enough about you. Why should I walk around with you anyway? You've been mean to me all day."

"Because I'm only joking most the time, and you enjoy my company."

The golden retriever stayed silent for a moment and cringed, knowing he was somewhat right. "Fine!" She got up from the bed. "But I get to leave the second you act like a macho jerk.

"Right and I get to leave the second you act like you got twenty-eight tampons shoved up your claptrap."

"Wait what?! You can't leave someone that you asked to come down, that's not how it works bud!"

"Argh whatever! I'm wired! I can't think straight! Just come down now pleaaaasee!"

"Fine, I'll be down in five." She clamped the phone shut and looked at it in her palm for a second. The canine growled and made a repeated stabbing motion with the phone toward her chest. "Why do I put myself in these situations?!" Soon she was out the door to face what would probably be more creatively executed macho-sarcasm.

Vilda Denseneck opened up the double doors to a vast dimly lit room. It had long tables with dozens of sweaty children sitting at them. They were all laboring over various activities even though it was nearly midnight. Some kids were mashing a white powder; others were rolling a green grassy substance into small paper cigarettes.

"Alright faster you little maggots!" she shouted in a gritty voice. "We got a shipment due out at the end of the week and we have to meet deadline this time!"

"Yes, V.D." the children chanted. One little kitty girl started crying and it immediately caught the hippo's attention.

She towered over the hapless girl. "What's wrong with you you little bitch?!"

The kitty stopped mashing the white power with her mallet and wiped her brow. "My paws hurt!"

Vilda seemed immediately sympathetic. She kneeled beside the kitty and put her arms around her in a warm embrace. "Aw poor thing. Well I tell you what!" Her voice began to rise with a grin. "Your face is going to hurt too when I rip it off with my bare hands!" She gritted her teeth threateningly and growled in the toddler's ear. "Now get working!"

The kitty yelped and quickly resumed much more frantically than before. Suddenly a beeping noise emanated from above the busy room. Vilda turned around and pointed a remote at a flat screen monitor that was hanging above the tables. An ape's face soon appeared. That face belonged to Andross.

"Is my shipment going to be ready Ms. Denseneck?" he asked in a smooth oily voice.

"Everything is on schedule Doctor. You'll have two and a half metric tons of blow, and sixty kilos of Ms. Mary Jane cigs waiting for you by Friday."

"Excellent. I'm very proud of this camp in particular. However one thing concerns me..."

"McCloud?" she asked with apprehension.

"Yes...McCloud and his little PR bitch."

"Do not worry Dr. Andross. They know nothing, will know nothing, and can't know nothing. He'll be gone by tomorrow evening."

"Good." The ape grinned. "If things get sticky Vilda, you know who to call."

A grey furry hand suddenly engulfed the screen with a mug in its hand. It blocked most of the ape's angry visage. "I brought you your frappuccino Dr. Andross," came a lispy voice from off-screen.

Vilda watched with confusion.

Andross scowled. "Wolf! I said not while I'm on the viewscreen!"

"Oh right, sorry toots."

Andross growled. "And I wanted a Chai Latte you incessant ignoramus!" He smacked the cup out his face. There was a crash of breaking ceramic, and then a yelp from Wolf. The doctor glared at something off-screen for a moment before returning his attention to Vilda. "I apologize for that." His face soured again. "Remember, Friday, no later."

"Of course Doctor. V.D. out."

---------------------------------------------

DUN DUN DUN! What a shocker! And to think, that golden retriever's name was Cassie all along. Hah! Okay, not the shocker you're thinking of, but the real question is will Fox and Cassie figure out what is really going on in the camp?! Will Wolf serve more caffeinated beverages?! Will Andross get his drug shipment on time?! Stay tuned for Chapter 5 of Camp Happiness!


	5. Oh the Irony

"So what exactly is it like to be Fox McCloud?" the golden retriever asked as she and Fox walked through the empty lobby. It was dimly lit by the light from a full moon shining through the glass ceiling above.

"What the fuck kind of question is that?" he blanched with his hands still in his jacket pockets. "You sound like you're trying to analyze me."

"I'm not!" she defended. "I'm just trying to make conversa..."

"With what's it like to be me?!" He cut her off with the curt response. "You sound like you sucked off Dr. Freud."

The golden retriever's face went tired. "Fine, be a hardass."

"You're damn right! Buns of steel baby!" He turned and pulled his jeans tightly over his behind for her to see. She couldn't help but eye it, staying silent. He returned to walking with her and finally opened to the question, "Fine I'll admit, it has its moments."

Cassie turned to look at him. "Moments? What kind of moments?"

"You know...secret missions, fame, orgies, tight ass bitches like you..."

"Right right, I thought you were the one with the tight ass?"

Fox grinned, "I'm talking more so about the inside rectal muscle not the outside surface area. You know how there are some girls, not much unlike yourself, that just act like their sphincter is in full chokehold mode, like they could break a steel rod in half with their ass. Do you do kegels?" Before she could respond he cut her off again. "Wait wait wait, I got a real question for you!"

"Oh?" she seemed uninterested.

"Yeah! How'd you land up working as General Pepper's publicist?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed, almost embarrassed of the story she was about to tell. "I worked for a magazine, Corneria Times, maybe you've heard of it if you're literate. I guess the General, or his people, liked my work because I was hired for his..."

"You gave him a blowjob didn't you?"

"Ew oh God no!"

"Aaah!" He grinned like a little boy. "I knew it! The truth is all over your face! You blew his cock like a whistle!"

"I sure as hell didn't!"

"Okay like a flute."

"No!"

"An ocarina?"

"Stop it."

"Okay an oboe."

She ignored him.

Fox continued. "You know he's like a coke addict right? I mean you're helping a coke addict become President of Corneria."

Cassie ran a paw through her hair, almost tired of the accusation. "I don't believe those rumors one bit. He seems like he'd make a fine leader."

"Pepper couldn't run a glory hole in a truck stop, let alone Corneria."

The golden retriever went on the defensive, stopping abruptly and putting both paws on her hips. "Alright! If that's true then how did he run our military and lead them to victory so many times?"

Fox's jaw dropped as though about to laugh, "He didn't! It was my fucking team that saved Corneria and his saggy ass all these years!"

She gritted her teeth and backed down knowing he was right. "Well fine, this is my job! What am I supposed to do? I'm going to make Pepper look good because that's what I get paid to do!"

"Well I think your job sucks."

"No thanks to you!"

"It sucks probably as hard as the blowjob you gave him."

"Alright, that's gonna stop right now!" She glared at him absolutely flustered.

"Oh I got it now! Like a clarinet! Am I right?!"

"Did you hear me?! I said right now!"

"Trombone?" He made a sliding motion with his hand.

She barked and smacked him across the back of the head.

"OW! Why do you always get physical you vicious bitch?!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in the heart of Corneria City at the Star Fox team loft, while the city slept, the spacious ritzy apartment was still wide awake. Falco was on the couch watching 'The Price is Right' on a big screen TV, and Slippy was working intently on something in his room, making quite a bit of noise in the process. Peppy, of course, had been asleep for hours since it was just past midnight. Earlier in the day he superglued baked cookies to his naked body and ran around the loft. He had to be tranquilized. Slippy definitely felt terrible for forgetting to give him his pills.

Falco stared ahead, not paying attention at all to the old dog on TV holding an extra long microphone while showcasing products for contestants to win by guessing their exact prices. No, he was much too distracted by the thought of where Katt was, making the rounds at the various clubs in Corneria on a Saturday night, bumping and grinding with only God knows what. There was a loud crash from Slippy's room and then his door opened on the far side of the living area. The toad came out carrying quite a bit of metal rubbish.

Falco raised an eyebrow. "Do you have to make so much fucking noise at this hour? People are trying to watch TV and mope in silence."

"Oh well I'm sorry!" Slippy cried with mock affection. He grinned. "I'm only in my room enhancing ROB with what will quite possibly be one of his most significant upgrades of his life! It's my greatest idea yet!"

Falco rolled his eyes, "I can only imagine." Slippy had already trotted into the trash room dumping the metal rubbish, but he came back with still one piece of metal in his hand. It was long and cylindrical.

"What the fuck is that?" Falco asked with intent curiosity taking a sip of his half empty beer can.

"I call it...the love rod!"

"It looks like a penis."

"It is a penis."

The sound of a mouthful of beer spewing out like a geyser made Slippy's eyes go half closed. "If you're going to mock my intentions go ahead."

Falco wiped his beak as he choked a little more on his beer. "Slippy!..."

The stoutly toad was already walking back to his room not eager to respond.

"I swear to God if you put a dick on that robot I'm going to kill you and make it look like an accident."

Slippy opened the door to his room. A robotic voice called out from inside, "Is he bitching again?" it asked in a deadpan voice. "Tell him he can play with it once you get done screwing it on."

Falco cringed, but before he could fully react, the sound of a key stabbing in the front doorknob caught his attention. The door came open and a bright pink furred cat in an ornate red leather body suit came prancing into the living room.

"I got the greatest idea!" she squealed.

"You're back early," Falco called, still staring at the TV as though he didn't care.

Katt's shoulders slumped. "Aren't you even going to ask me what my greatest idea is?"

"Is it a metal penis? Because that greatest idea has already been taken."

Katt gave him a confused look before a robotic voice called from Slippy's room. "Nine inches?! You ARE a god!"

Katt ignored it and turned off the TV, standing between Falco and the screen. "Okay here it goes," she started dramatically in a hands on hips pose. Falco crossed his arms somewhat annoyed. The pink furred cat continued, "I came to this idea while dancing at Club Furbuns to hardcore techno music. My slick leather-suited body was wedged between a seven foot bear and a white stallion named Cletus."

Falco's eyebrows vaulted.

"As their bulging crotches thrusted against me rhythmically from both sides to a pumping trance beat, I thought to myself...." She dramatically threw her hands on her forehead as though in intense deliberation. "Wouldn't it be great if we totally surprised Fox at that retard kid camp he's staying at this weekend?!"

Falco stared with his beak half open trying to process the whole story.

"...I uh...I like it!"

Back at Camp Happiness, Fox and Cassie continued their midnight stroll.

"I wouldn't have to hurt you if you just kept your fucking mouth shut!" the golden retriever shouted.

Fox rubbed the back of his head tenderly after just being smacked. "Why do you have to curse huh? This is a children's camp. Cursing here is wrong Cassie."

"Oh don't even..."

"I mean, would you curse in front of your kids?"

"Just shutup."

"You're barren aren't you? I bet your cervix is like an ice cave."

She raised her hand in a striking motion threatening another slap.

"Your ovaries are probably like AAH! Sub-zero temperatures!" The slap was coming and he quickly tried to guard his head from an attack. "Alright alright! I'll stop!" He stepped back and bumped against one of the banisters for the lobby stairwell and quickly took a look around. There was a set of stairs that led up to the second floor, but strangely enough there was another set leading down. "A downstairs?"

Cassie looked at the stairs with him. "I guess there's a basement to this place."

"Awesome, let's go down there!"

The golden retriever sighed. "No, it's probably just for storage." She glanced at her watch. "Besides it's getting late and..."

"Oh come on! Basements are awesome! Where's your sense of adventure?!"

"That Supernol A.M. really works on you I take it?"

"You bet!" He was already prancing down the steps, his ears up and alert. "My senses are fully dilated!"

"What?!" She belted after him down the stairs.

"Wide open! Ready to receive!" he called farther away now. The golden retriever tried to keep up, a hard feat wearing high heels.

"Why do I feel like this is going to turn into yet another vagina joke!"

"Ah you're way ahead of me there Cass! Now c'mon!"

Somewhere far away, but not too far, Andross was intently monitoring his computer screens in his evil lair. The one that had his full attention was a security monitor for one of the camps. He watched the two figures on the monitor prance down a set of stairs and into a basement corridor. The ape's leathery fist clenched tightly and he gritted his teeth.

Wolf came up behind Andross and rested his chin on the ape's left shoulder. "Whatcha lookin' at toots?"

Andross ignored the physical contact and kept his stiffly focused eyes on the screen. "I'm concerned as to where these two are headed..." He pointed.

Wolf recognized the male figure immediately. "Ooh hello! If it isn't Fox McCloud! Someone serve that dishy mate with a side of barbeque sauce. Mm!"

Andross ignored him and the screen switched to a second camera that showed the two figures approaching through the narrow corridor. It was a better view. Wolf licked his lips. "God, he's kept himself in shape." He raised himself and straightened out his leather jacket squinting at the monitor. "Wait, is he in the basement of the camp? That's where the drug rooms are. Give him a while and he'll stumble upon one."

The ape growled under his throat. "I am aware." Andross pondered what to do before that happened.

"Who's in charge of this camp?"

"It's Camp Happiness, Vilda Denseneck."

Wolf covered his face with both paws, "Oh no! That's not the old hippo is it?"

"It is."

"Ew!" He flicked his tongue in disgust. "At the last New Year's party she smelled like hairspray and feet! God I wanted to throw that bitch some Old Spice."

Andross slammed his fist on the desk. "Will you focus!"

Wolf bit his lip and quickly put his paws on the ape's shoulders, massaging gently. "Yes doctor," he said in a wispy sexual manner.

Andross' eyes went half closed and he tilted his head. "How soon can you be at Camp Happiness?"

Wolf thought about it. "It's quite a ways outside town. Probably ten minutes."

"We need to stop him."

Wolf's hands kneaded Andross' tense broad shoulders some more. "I think I can distract him for you Doctor."

The ape grinned. "Then get on it."

"Ooh is that a pun?"

In a lavish mansion back in Corneria City, General Pepper was snorting a line in his office with a dollar bill up one of his nostrils. The bloodhound was in his familiar uniform but nude from the waist down. He reached the end of the line of thin white powder and sighed. "Damn that can't be the last of it!" he cried. He frantically tore apart the room, throwing the contents of his desk, bookcase, and cabinets out on the floor searching for any more small bags of joy. He resigned and returned to his desk quickly pushing his speaker button.

A secretary came on the other line. "Yes General Pepper?"

"Alice!" he cried.

"Uh, it's not Alice sir."

"Oh...uh...Jane!"

"Not Jane either," came the feminine deadpan voice.

"Well who the fuck is it?!"

"It's Sue, what can I do for you sir?"

The General wiped his runny nose with the sleeve of his red uniform. " I need you to call one of the camps..." He sounded desperately close to tears. "Tell them papa needs a brand new bag!"

The secretary sighed as though used to hearing this plea. "General, haven't you had enough?"

"You nazi bitch! You give me my coke when I ask for it!"

"Alright alright!" The secretary surrendered. "I'll call right away."

"That's right! You do what daddy tell you!"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh wait I see more!" The General gleefully yelped.

The secretary listened as she heard a loud snorting sound come through her speaker.

"Fuck!" came a shout. "It's artificial sweetener!" He coughed furiously. "Those bastards! They tricked me!"

"Sir, calm down, drink some water..."

"You shut your mouth or I'll choke you!"

"Sir, I'm going to close the line now..."

She waited, but there was no reply except for a few sobs then another long drawn out snort. With reluctance the secretary dialed into the phone to get more of what the General wanted even though it was quite late and she had plenty of reservations. The line rang just three times before an elderly voice answered.

"This is Vilda Denseneck. How can I help you?"

----------------------------------------------------------

It all goes downhill from here. Actually it started going downhill from the first chapter, but you know what I mean! Stay tuned for the next installment!


	6. This is a Rabbit Hole

Fox and Cassie continued their stroll through the camp's basement. The narrow hallway they walked through gave Cassie the jitters. She was certainly claustrophobic.

"There's nothing down here, let's go!" the golden retriever protested, pulling at Fox's arm. He didn't budge from his determined pace, still trudging on toward the door at the end of the hallway.

"Can you smell that?" he questioned taking a few sniffs of the air as they walked.

"No, now come on..."

"Shut up, I swear to God I recognize that smell."

Cassie suddenly caught a whiff. She could no longer deny the odor. "It smells like really nasty cheap cigars."

"It smells like pot."

"What!" she belted. "Are you sure you're not just smelling yourself?"

Fox took offense. "What the fuck!" he shouted. "I smoke recreationally! I'm not some kind of burnout!"

"Hah! Right!" The golden retriever put both hands on her hips as they walked. "I had to drag you away from a crushed joint earlier today."

"It was a good joint!"

"Do you have any idea what could have happened if a news reporter with a camera saw you smoking pot!"

"Oh don't act like you're some high and mighty bitch!" Fox retorted. "You're helping a cocaine addict become president!"

"For the tenth time General Pepper is not a coke addict!" Cassie shouted. "We've been through this!"

"I dare you to call him right now and ask him what he's doing."

"No! What are you, six? Daring me to call someone? You're such a child Fox! Besides, we're in a basement. I'm not getting any service..."

"I guarantee you he's snorting a line right now."

"Stop it."

"Thinking about you..."

"Don't even."

"...naked."

"Fox..."

"Bent over a table."

"You better not..."

"Doggie style."

"Okay that's..."

"Snorting cocaine out your ass."

Wolf O'Donnell angrily swerved his black sports car around another bend in the road. The ground beneath his wheels growled as he licked his teeth knowing Camp Happiness was just a few more turns through the moonlit forest. He was quite pleased for having been able to make it in less than eight minutes. The expressway going out of town had almost no traffic. Just as he rounded the last bend kicking up mounds of dirt, the lights of the large log cabin complex for Camp Happiness came into view. In the clearing in front there was another black sports car bathed in Wolf's headlights.

The license plate read "STRFCKS".

Wolf's jaw dropped at the sight of the similar jet black vehicle. In fact it was the same model as his, just a year newer. "That son of a bitch!" He slammed his boot on the brake and veered up close next to the parked car almost hitting it. "He always has to fucking copy me!" Wolf furiously pulled the keys out of his starter and angrily fought with his seatbelt before he got it off. He violently shoved his door open into the side of Fox's car. This made a nasty crunch of metal on metal.

"Oops!" he shouted with an angry curl of his lip as he got out. He spit on Fox's car, but still felt unsatisfied as he heaved in angry breaths and wiped his lip. He knew he was short on time so he calmed himself. He thought about etching the car with obscenities and gay pride symbols with his key, but instead he straightened his black silver studded leather jacket. "I'll take care of you later," he called toward the car as he coolly started toward the camp building's main entrance.

Fox and Cassie finally reached the end of the hall after stopping to argue for another five minutes. Fox glanced at the door and gave the handle a jiggle. It was unlocked. "Well I could continue bitching with you but I got a basement to explore." He turned the handle and pushed it open. The next room was unsurprising, just a small square with coat hangars, boxes, and another door.

"Absolutely nothing!" Cassie shouted. "I don't care what you smell. This is a waste of time. I'm going upstairs."

"Wait wait wait a second!" Fox took a few careful steps into the room keeping his eyes on the coat hangars. "There's something fucked up about this..."

Cassie stopped and turned. "What now? What is it?"

Fox continued inward, and picked up a white lab coat off one of the coat hangars. He held it out for her to see. The coat looked like a miniature, fit for a munchkin. "It's tiny!"

"Who in the world could fit into that?" Cassie followed Fox into the room.

He held the coat up higher. Its length went from his shoulders to just above his stomach. "A kid no less."

Cassie picked up another coat. "Well yeah, but what would the children need lab coats for, especially if they're retarded?"

"Don't you mean special?" Fox grinned.

"Right right."

They both looked over at the next doorway.

"Something tells me they're doing a little more than just arts and crafts..."

Meanwhile upstairs in her room, Vilda Denseneck gave Andross an incredulous look into the telescreen. "THEY'RE WHERE?" she shouted.

"Will you relax!" Andross shouted back through the screen. "I've already got an associate on top of the situation." His leathery visage held a stern expression showing he meant business.

"Who!" she croaked.

"One of the best."

When Wolf's boot made contact with the marble floor of the lobby, it made a satisfying click sound. He cracked the knuckles inside his leather gloves and took a deep breath. The scent of Fox was everywhere giving him goose bumps on the back of his neck. He had to admit he still had a little bit of a crush on the stud from way back when. In the moment of his uninterrupted coolness, a sudden funky tune started playing from Wolf's belt.

"Dammit." He cursed under his breath. It was his cellular phone. He quickly answered it. "Wolf here."

"This is Vilda Denseneck!" came the weak gritty voice. "Just what is it you're planning on doing with McCloud? You'll only bring more trouble to this camp than there already is! Right now we don't need a..."

"Shut the fuck up you wrinkled old bitch," spat Wolf. "You're not the one in charge here!"

The hippo on the other end of the line stayed silent.

"Besides, I have absolutely no intentions of killing Fox or his little friend if that's what you think. Our relationship is well beyond that." Wolf smirked at the thought for a moment. "If you'd even listened to a word Andross told you instead of ragging your hippo pussy all over the fucking place, you'd know my orders are simply to solve the situation."

"Solve the situation?" Vilda shouted. She seemed close to a stroke, waving a cane all over her room. "He's in the basement right now! Not even a few doors away from one of my labs! I've got twenty kids down there chemically freebasing cocaine! If he were to find..."

"Again," Wolf cut her off with a calm voice. "I said I'm going to solve it. And when I say I'm going to solve it that means I'm going to solve it. Now do yourself and the whole world a favor and change your tampon. I can smell your cunt from the lobby." He clicked the phone shut.

Andross smirked at the dumbfounded old hippo from his telescreen. "I told you he's one the best."

"What about me?" came a slick voice from behind Andross. "Aren't I one of the best too?" Two green scaly hands found the ape's shoulders, and snaked their way down to his chest.

The ape gripped one of the arms and twisted it around making Leon squeal. "Can't you see I'm on the fucking telescreen!"

Vilda, still dumbfounded from her call with Wolf, watched the odd scene unfold before her.

"Sorry sorry!" Leon begged. "...Come to my room when you get off?"

Andross growled at the skippy chameleon and shooed him away. He quickly regained his composure to face Vilda. "Remember Ms. Denseneck, this camp doesn't belong to you. You're merely a benefactor. A maid. You're nothing to this camp, and I am everything. If Fox figures out what's going on then that is all your fault for allowing him access to the basement. Even if he does figure things out, we have ways to keep his mouth shut. There is a rabbit hole here on Corneria, and he's so deep in it, not even a carrot will help him find his way out." He smirked and clenched a leather clad fist at the screen.

Vilda blinked. "...I'm sorry, what?"

Andross paused from his self-indulgent coolness. "...What?"

"A carrot. The expression you used...that analogy makes no sense."

"Yes it does." The ape was indignant.

"No, no it doesn't." The old lady was insistent. "I can understand if our whole drug network is the rabbit hole, but what is the carrot? And how would that even help Fox find his way out of this hypothetical rabbit hole in the first place?"

Andross grumbled. "Okay okay, yes you're right about the drug network being the rabbit hole..." He paused to think it through.

"And the carrot?" Vilda asked.

Andross continued to ponder. "I uh...think the carrot is Wolf."

"No I don't think that's right. Wolf's not a carrot. He's like a fruit or something."

"But a fruit wouldn't lead someone out of a rabbit hole," Andross argued.

"Well, neither would a carrot, especially if Fox is a fox. Rabbits are the ones that eat carrots."

"Well what do foxes eat?"

The hippo scratched some of her gray hair. "Uh...well they're omnivores. They like small rodents, insects...wait you know what, let me Google it." She turned toward her laptop.

Andross howled, "We don't have time for this! Just shut your mouth and keep out of the fucking situation! Andross out!"

Vilda tapped her cane at the screen as the ape's visage faded to black. "Wait a second..." She paused. "I got it! If a carrot can't help him find his way out then he'll be in the rabbit hole forever! Yes! I knew Wolf was a fruit!"

Cassie and Fox were still exploring the maze like basement. As they rounded another corridor an item on the ground caught Fox's eye making him jerk to a stop. "Jackpot!"

Cassie was holding two miniature lab coats. She didn't know why she was still carrying them. "What? What do you see?"

He picked up the small flap of folded paper off the ground and held it up for her to see. "Rolling paper."

"Oh give me a break," she started, "That looks like it could have come off an air filter or something."

Fox shook his head. "Nope trust me, this is a rolling paper for a joint."

"Yeah, I trust you." Cassie cocked her head to the side. "You're the fucking expert on everything related to illegal drug use!"

"Hey don't push your politics on me! And don't be such a bitch just because this trip is getting more and more suspicious. I mean I know you can smell the..."

"Yes! The smell! I heard you before!" She sniffed furiously at the air around her. "That smell could be anything! Maybe they just need to clean down here!"

"Cassie!" Fox shouted. "This basement smells like The Great Fox on our Rastafarian weekends. Wake up and smell the home grown marijuana man!"

The golden retriever started on another rant but Fox wasn't listening. He looked down the corridor. There were two tall double doors ahead that were beckoning his attention.

"...Of course I have to work with Fox McCloud, the biggest asshole in Lylat, to do my job. Of course out of all the fucking heroes on this fucking planet I get..."

"Cass!" Fox shouted.

"What!"

"Shut up!" He looked back down the corridor at the double doors and she followed his gaze. At that moment one of the doors peaked open and a little smoky colored pup in a lab coat trotted out and disappeared behind the corner of another corridor at the end of the hall.

The golden retriever was stunned. After a moment of silence she opened her mouth. "What time is it?"

Fox glanced at his watch and grinned. "2:15."

"Why are you grinning! Don't grin! That was just fucking weird. That kid should be in bed! What the hell was he doing in there?"

"Let's find out."

They started toward the doors. As they receded down the hall getting closer and closer, a silent shadowy figure peeked its head around the corner of the corridor to watch them from a distance. He gritted his teeth knowing he was too late.

"On to Plan B," Wolf mumbled.

* * *

And on to Chapter 7! 


	7. Wolfmailed

"No!" Cassie shouted at the horrid site before her. The scene was everything she had hoped she wouldn't see. "No no no!" She shook her head incredulously. It was all true. The double doors led to the main drug lab, the true source of power for Camp Happiness. Cassie and Fox's eyes laid upon dozens of children sitting at cold steel tables working in what appeared to be an underground drug sweatshop. Their nostrils took in the mixing scents of pot and burnt crack.

"Okay now that's fucked up," Fox deadpanned. He took out a cigarette for a smoke. He felt the scene deserved it.

Cassie's eyes welled up with tears. She clenched them shut trying to hide from the unorthodox sight. With her eyes closed all she could see were scenarios of the media discovering it all. General Pepper had been such a huge endorser of camps like Camp Happiness. "Oh God we're so screwed." She wiped her eyes. The kids didn't even seem to notice them. Instead they were completely entranced in their work. Cassie heard the flick of a lighter and quickly looked up. Fox was lighting his cigarette.

He saw her looking at him with disgust. "Oh I'm sorry, did you want one?"

Cassie glanced back at the kids. Half were rolling what appeared to be marijuana cigarettes, the other half were working with lab burners, test tubes, and white powder. With quick instinct she grabbed the cigarette from his muzzle, threw it on the ground, and proceeded to stomp the living hell out of it.

"What the fuck!" Fox shouted. "Cass I'm pretty damn sure this fucked upness deserves at least one or five cigarettes."

"They're freebasing."

"What?"

She stared at the kids with burners and test tubes with glazed over eyes. "The process involves highly explosive solvents."

Fox glanced at his crushed cigarette with remorse, and then at the kids. "Well shit."

"What do we do now?" Cassie felt like a commander who just found out her war was lost.

The click of a cocking gun echoed from behind their heads. "Oh I think I'm in charge of that!" said the smooth voice.

They both swerved around to find a somewhat shorter gray wolf, leather jacket, eye patch, and high caliber laser pistol.

Fox almost laughed. "Well this is fucking great."

Wolf grinned at his foe, completely ignoring the blonde tussled golden retriever in the short blue business skirt. "You don't even seem surprised to see me! I'm sorely disappointed." He pouted.

Fox fiddled with his lighter, still unphased. "I figured with something as fucked up as this place you couldn't be that far away."

"Oh gosh!" Wolf faked a little coyness. "You flatter me!" His smirk made an angry twist at the end.

Andross, from his lair, scrutinized every action on the security monitor as Leon sensually massaged his shoulders. The ape was on the edge of his seat.

"Now, let's think carefully," Wolf continued sarcastically, "Just what are you two going to do..." He toyed with his blaster as he pondered.

Cassie intervened. "Who's in charge of this place? Vilda Denseneck?" She glanced weakly at the rest of the drug lab.

Wolf raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Hah! That fat old hippo? Goodness no!" He beamed over at Fox. "But, you should know!"

Fox shook his head. "You fuck. I knew after the war Andross had gone into underground dealings. Weapons smuggling or something, but I never thought this."

"Oh come on! It's better this way! Andross is simply a business man now. As am I. Besides, Vilda couldn't run a glory hole in a truck stop, let alone the hub of our drug network."

Fox's jaw dropped. "Hey you ass, that glory hole expression is mine! I use that! You just stole it!"

Wolf guffawed. "Are you kidding me? You're the one that stole it! Don't even try to pass that off as your own!"

"I have to admit," Cassie started, "The expression is a little too gay to be yours Fox."

Fox crossed his arms resentfully. "Well, it's a good expression so I'm going to fucking use it anyway. I mean c'mon! It's about glory holes for fuck's sake! That's funny!"

Wolf crossed his arms too. "Well every time you use it at least give me some fucking credit."

"I doubt you're the first smartass dick with the 'I'm an assfucking rebel' attitude to use it."

"I'm not the one that does the fucking in my relationships."

"Oh that's right, you're not the fucker. You're the fuckee!"

"Alright stop it!" Cassie shouted. "The both of you! Wolf I want to know if there other places like this!" she demanded.

He grinned and kept his eyes locked on Fox. "Oh sure! Just about every camp out there for underprivileged or retarded kids is a drug pumping machine."

"Wait wait what?" Cassie stumbled over the last statement. She rubbed her temples trying to knead the facts out. "So every camp we've politically endorsed in the past six months pushes crack cocaine and marijuana on the black market?" Shock and defeat were in her voice. "Camp Happiness, Camp Joy, Camp OTG, Camp..."

"Oh wait," Wolf stopped her politely. "No not Camp OTG...that place really is full of retards. We tried getting them involved in the ring years ago but it never worked out. To sum things up, it was like drama with down-syndrome." He swiveled his attention back to Fox. "Oh have you stolen that expression too? Or is it not funny enough for you?"

"Oh fuck you."

"You know Fox..." Wolf's good eye wandered lower. "I can't help but notice how much you've kept yourself in shape since I last saw you." He took a step closer.

Cassie stopped rubbing her temples and looked up.

"Oh great..." Fox mumbled.

"Aw what? You don't miss the times we had together?"

Cassie glowered at Fox, "What does that mean?"

Fox clenched his teeth. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Sure you do...two years ago! On Zoness!" He licked his lips.

Fox's eyes suddenly weakened their intense glare.

Wolf laughed. "Oh now he remembers!"

Cassie stared with disbelief at the both of them. "Wait wait...what happened?"

Fox grumbled to himself. "Why do all the fucked up things happen on Zoness..."

"C'mon Fox." Wolf hopped right up against him. He inspected Fox's lips, tempted to get a taste. "You can't say you didn't enjoy it."

"If you don't back the fuck off me I swear I will rip your dick off and shove it in that empty eye socket."

"Sure you were quite drunk in that shithole of a bar...and horny. But we didn't care who worked for who did we?"

Fox clenched his eyes shut. "Don't bring this up man, c'mon. That was a long..."

"No!" Wolf sneered. "I've been itching to get to this all night! Remember you said how you were just oh so delighted you fucked me over during the war. I simply offered if you wanted to do a little...reenactment."

"Oh my God!" Cassie blanched. "You slept with him!"

Fox's face twisted with regret. "No! No I didn't!"

Cassie switched her glare to Wolf unsure of who to believe.

"Oh don't lie Fox!" Wolf stepped away and waved his gun at him. "Remember we got it on tape!"

"I don't fucking believe this..." Fox grumbled.

"TAPE?" Cassie yapped.

"Yeah! Fox loves to tape all his escapades. Says he likes to jack off to it later."

The golden retriever made a sickened face. "Yeah, I actually already knew that."

"Oh Fox..." Wolf seemed disappointed. "You didn't fuck her too did you?"

"No! ...not yet at least."

Cassie smacked him in the arm.

"Ow! Don't hit me! Can't you see I'm going through a lot right now!"

"Oh you're the one going through a lot?" she argued. "Look around you!" The kids at the tables were still diligently prepping drugs. "This will destroy Pepper's campaign! And my career!"

"Alright alright." Wolf composed himself and straightened his black leather jacket, ready to get back to business. "Here's the deal for the both of you, if you choose to accept it."

Fox and Cassie stayed silent.

"You two now know the beautiful truth about Camp Happiness. After all, they don't call it Camp Happiness for nothing." He chuckled lightly. "Now you two will keep this a secret. And in return I won't mail my copy of that special little tape me and Fox made to all the leading news organizations in Lylat." He grinned at Fox who remained tightlipped.

"And!" He turned his attention to Cassie. "If no one ever knows the truth about this place then you get to keep your job! And the good old General gets to keep his chance of winning the presidency next month." He nodded to both. "See? Everybody's happy!"

"This place won't last." Fox threatened. "Someone's going to eventually find out. The children's parents. The media. You can't keep something this big a secret."

"Oh not if General Pepper's elected president!" Wolf waved his blaster.

Cassie gave him a confused look.

"Let me help you out with that one," Wolf continued. "Camp Happiness creates the finest crack cocaine Cornerian credits can acquire. But take a wild guess who our number one customer is!"

Fox shook his head about to laugh again.

"No!" Cassie shouted. "It can't be true!" She was devastated.

"Yes!" Wolf returned. "C'mon toots surely you've heard the rumors before."

"I didn't think they were true!"

"General Pepper is more doped up than any other bloodhound I've ever seen!" Wolf was elated to share the fact. "He's not even coherent most the time! You must be a fucking retard not to have noticed!"

Cassie shook her head in disbelief. "...I thought maybe he was just eccentric."

"Hah! Eccentric, yes! But he's shit out of his mind! Hell, even he slept with me!"

"WHAT?" Fox and Cassie shouted in stereo.

Wolf grinned. "Yup, rode me like the dog he is! Oh I also got that one on tape sweetheart so I'd be more than happy to release it too if either of you were to make any future fuckups."

"I think I'm going to be sick..." Cassie vaulted backwards but caught herself. She clenched her stomach and looked at the floor grumbling.

"Okay," Fox started as Cassie groaned sickly in the background. "I thought me fucking you was fucked up...but Pepper fucking you? That's even more fucked up! I mean how does that even happen?"

Wolf ran his paw gently up and down the shaft of his blaster. "With the magic of hardcore drugs anything's possible."

Cassie was in a trance. "Our next president fucked Wolf O'Donnell...Our next president is addicted to cocaine..."

Wolf grinned. "Well when you say it like that honey he sounds like a wonderful leader!"

Cassie snapped out of it and looked up. Her narrow blue eyes were filled with rage. "You motherfucker!"

Wolf smirked at her. "Oh relax, the competition fucked me too."

Fox cringed. "Wait...the only other candidate is the commerce chancellor. He's a sixty-eight year old giraffe."

"I know. I have no shame. But he had a tongue like a..."

"Alright that's enough!" Fox shouted. "Sorry, but we don't need to hear about every guy who's fucked you!"

Wolf pouted. "Oh don't be so irritable. Sounds like you haven't had a chance to unwind in a long time." He glanced at Cassie who was angrily adjusting her skirt. "Oh that's right, the bitch doesn't put out."

Cassie had reached her limit. She growled baring her sharp canine teeth. "That's it!" She took off her high heels one by one. "I'm going to kick your ass!" Without warning she dashed into him and knocked him off balance sending him squealing backwards into a concrete wall. She was quickly on top of him, slapping repeatedly with unrelenting rage between her rabid snarls.

Fox was tempted to just pull out a cigarette and watch the dogfight, but he saw Wolf's blaster still in his right hand as Cassie transformed into a vicious slapping she-bitch. She was vulnerable to the weapon. He turned around to look for something to hit Wolf over the head with, but it was too late. He heard the crack of a blaster between the animal noises. The red hot beam was fired downward at the floor. It zinged off the concrete, zoomed across the room, ricocheted off a wall and headed toward the kids who were freebasing cocaine. The beam blew through test tubes a young raccoon boy was monitoring carefully. The glass ruptured, the contents splashed out, bubbling free with angry plumes of smoke. The boy shrieked and shielded his goggles.

"Oh that's good," Fox muttered.

A blinding explosion erupted from the table.

Andross only saw a bright flash before his screen cut out in a burst of static as he sipped his caramel macchiato through a straw. "What the fuck?"

Leon's head popped up from his lap. "What? What is it?"

With a deafening roar and a wall of flames, drug peddling kids in labcoats became airborne with squeals, shards of glass, and debris. Fox twisted away to shield his face, but he was launched off the ground with the rush of scalding heat. Cassie and Wolf, still brawling, threw themselves sideways underneath a steel bolted table as flames roared around them. Fox flew forward through the fire filled air like a bullet into the double doors they entered through. He hit shoulder and head first, burst straight through, and was vomited out in a mushroom of crack fueled flames. He sailed through the corridor like a doll tossed by an enraged child before he landed and slid meters across the slick marble floor. His body finally came to a rest, sprawled out and motionless. His jacket and fur smoked and sizzled. He tried to get up with a tired groan, but it was too much. He collapsed and was soon unconscious.

Vilda Denseneck frowned at her now static filled security monitor. She saw exactly what had happened. "Nice going shitbags." As she reached for her cane the fire sprinklers casually turned on. The fat hippo and her entire suite were soaked.

As she sat for a few moments in her drenched splendor, the phone rang. She took her time to reach over and pick up the receiver. "...This is Vilda Denseneck of Camp Happiness speaking."

There was a deep grunt on the other end of the line. "Where's my cocaine!"

"Oh hello General Pepper. I was just talking to your secretary about that."

"My secretary is a robot spy from Venom!" he growled. "She has a mechanical vagina that sharpens pencils! She's trying to deceive me! Trick me! Put artificial sweetener up my nose!"

Vilda ran a hand through her soaked gray hair. She didn't mind the constant spray of water coming from above anymore. "General...your secretary already put in an order for you."

"She put in an order for my constant emotional pain and anguish! That's what she did! Now unless you can crush up my feelings into a fine white powder and snort them through a dollar bill that doesn't help me!"

"General," the hippo started tiredly, "I guarantee your order will come as you expect tomorrow morning." Vilda caught herself right after saying that. She slowly looked around at her soaked room and the intermittent xenon flash of the fire alarms.

"Actually on second thought. There might be a delay."

* * *

Are Fox, Cassie, and Wolf okay? Will General Pepper get his cocaine? Will someone else screw Wolf and have it taped so they can eventually get blackmailed too? No one knows! Not even me. Stay tuned. 


	8. The Theory

As Cassie laid on the cold concrete floor with her eyes closed she slowly regained her vision trying to fight the throbbing pain in her skull. "Shit, what happened." She hadn't felt this blasted since her gangbang sorority days at the University of Corneria (voted the number two party school in Lylat). Of course that was years ago and if anyone found out about that her image as a complete and total prude bitch would dissolve instantly. Suddenly she jerked up to a sitting position. Her eyes told her she was in a small cell with two other burned up animals, bars surrounding them on one side, dark concrete walls for the rest.

"Oh that's great." The dog looked down at her once golden arms and paws seeing she too was grimy and covered in black soot. She turned to her right, finding Fox asleep next to her. He looked like a well-done steak, charred with black crud all over his fur and patches of burned out holes in his jacket. Overall he seemed intact. The other burned form to her left was Wolf, also knocked out. Why the hell was he in here?

Fox stirred. "Falco that's the last time I roll on tabs with you..."

Cassie nudged him. "Oh good you're awake. Get up," she barbed quietly.

"I was just experimenting..." He gained his senses. "Whoa, what the...where are we?"

"Uh a jail cell obviously." She searched around herself. "My purse is gone."

Suddenly Fox looked genuinely panicked. "Oh God! But all your tampons were in there!"

"Excuse me?" The frazzled dog cocked an eyebrow glaring lividly.

Fox grinned and carefully brushed soot off his arm, "Well I don't know, you seem to have frequent feminine issues."

She pointed tiredly at him. "I really don't feel like squabbling right now..."

"My friend Katt always complains that when she goes to Supermart someone's taken all the heavy duty snatch dams. That was you wasn't it?"

Her jaw dropped, not even wanting to dignify that. "No! You're so disgusting! My mood has nothing to do with that! It has to do with the fact that I was in a cocaine lab explosion last night and now I'm sitting on the floor of a dark damp five by five cell with two of the biggest creeps in Lylat.

"She's lying," came a low lispy voice from her left. "I can smell the red sea from a mile away." Wolf slowly got up adjusting his eye patch carefully.

Fox's attention darted over to him. "Okay why the hell is he in here?"

Wolf grappled stiffly to a sitting position as though all his muscles were in pain. "Because nothing satisfies a fetish quite like cold steel bars and being held against my will. No, I don't fucking know, geez." He rubbed his forehead.

Cassie struggled to get up and brush her once blue skirt off creating a cloud of soot as she did. "This must have been Vilda's doing. Andross wouldn't keep Wolf here." She inspected the bars and steel door outside the cell.

Wolf grumbled, "That half ton wrinkled bitch is going to eat a shit sandwich when Andross finds out about this."

Fox cocked his head, "Uh, don't you think you're in trouble too asshat? You're the parade who came down here and blew up half the basement."

"News flash detective Sherlock-a-lotta-cock. That wouldn't have happened if SHE," he pointed a claw angrily, "didn't get her panties in an ass bouquet and go bitchshit on me."

The golden retriever swerved around curtly to face him. "I could stand here and argue about how much I was kicking your ass like I had a small dick to compensate for, but I won't, so right now I'd just like to figure a way out of here."

Wolf stared. "Are you trying to tell us you have a dick?"

"If that would stop all the tampon jokes, then yeah. I have a dick."

"But then you'd have to deal with all the he-she dick jokes."

"If I had to choose," Fox started like a philosopher, "between tampon jokes and shemale jokes, I'd take the tampon jokes."

"Fox stop, you'll make her mad again."

"I think you mean shim."

They both laughed and Cassie crossed her arms not humored at all.

Before she could react there was a snapping sound outside the cell coming from the steel door. Locks were unlatching. Suddenly it flew open, swinging around and hitting the wall hard with a bang. A burst of bright light flooded in with a large figure that was silhouetted. "Good morning!" it shouted happily in a raspy old woman's voice.

"And here I go." Fox flew up and grabbed the bars furiously. "When I get out of here!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "I'm going to bomb the shit out of this retarded drug pushing shithole you fat fucking bitch!"

"Easy there turbo, you're not bombing anything." The hippo approached hobbling with her cane, wearing an old lady flower print sun dress while grinning into the small cell at her captives.

Wolf struggled to get up. "Okay, first off Vilda sweetheart, darling, you do know that we have the same boss and are on the same..."

"Wrong."

He paused at the curt interruption. "...what? I don't understand."

"Ever heard of the The Big H?" she gritted her teeth in a foul menacing smile.

Wolf shrugged, "Yeah, he's the pretty much the king of the entire drug network in Lylat. Andross works his tier of the Cornerian network under him."

"Her," the hippo corrected.

Fox and Cassie tilted their heads silently confused.

Wolf stared through the bars incredulously at the old hippo. "Wait a minute...are you saying...?"

Vilda studied her fingernails and nodded casually.

It hit Wolf like a cockslap against the cheek. His jaw gaped. "You're The Big H? But...but how? You work at Camp Happiness...as a lowly supervisor...you take orders from Andross...you...you..."

"Bullshit everyone," she finished. "This job at the camp is a form of cover."

Wolf felt himself flush. "But that's...that makes no...I...uh...I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier...and told you to change your tampon..." he trailed off quietly.

Cassie shook her head trying to comprehend this. "Excuse me Ms. Denseneck, but are you saying you cover your position in the underground Lylatian drug market...with...another position in the underground Lylatian drug market?"

"Yes."

"That makes absolutely no sense."

"Sure it does. I maintain anonymity while still getting a complete view of the network from the very top all the way down to the very very bottom. And by very very bottom I mean the craphole that is Camp Happiness." She looked around studying the jail briefly.

Wolf shook his head still dismayed, "So what are you going to..."

"Here's my proposition for you, " she cut him off without skipping a beat. "Listen carefully as I'll only repeat this once."

Everyone stood silent.

She ignored Wolf and approached the bars closer to Cassie and Fox. "Obviously the truth about Camp Happiness has to stay very much hush hush. However there's more to it than that. In a few hours Fox, you're going to announce that General Pepper is donating twenty million credits to this camp out of the kindness of his heart."

"WHAT?"

"Well someone has to pay for the damage you three stooges caused! And besides it'll be the big push Pepper's campaign needs." She looked over at Cassie encouragingly.

Wolf sulked, "You can't blame me for any of that damage! It was the bitch who decided she'd be Rambo for the night."

"Alright alright," Fox bartered to the old lady. "What's the catch."

Vilda dug around in her matching flower print handbag for a minute before pulling out a black cassette tape. "The catch is if you don't comply with the demand then a copy of this tape gets mailed to every major news organization in Lylat."

Fox clenched his eyes shut. "Oh for the love of...don't tell me that's..."

"Yes..." she nodded. "It is."

He let out a guttural growl toward no one. "How many fucking people have copy of this thing!"

Cassie interrupted politely, "Excuse me, but we've already been blackmailed by the same gay sex tape."

"Oh Good!" Vilda beamed. "Then you'll be twice as motivated to do what I ask."

Wolf was picking at his claws absently. "Fox I don't know why you're so ashamed of this tape. It's pretty hot. We could make millions on the internet."

Fox growled and covered his ears. "I don't want to hear it! I was drunk! I'm not gay! Just shutup about the damn thing already!"

Cassie frowned, "You should at least consider yourself bi since you sort of consented even if you were slightly drunk."

Fox made a ferocious snarl. "No! I'm not bi! I'm not gay!"

"Yeah but..."

"Look, here's my theory," he quickly cut in.

"Oh lord," Wolf mumbled. "I've heard this one before."

Fox continued. "It's not gay if you're the one that's doing the fucking okay?"

Cassie stared. "But you're still having sex with a guy. If it's two guys having sex, then that's gay."

"No!" Fox defended. "No it's not!"

Vilda scratched her head. "I do believe the lady's right. I've seen the tape. It's quite gay."

"Okay no shutup, you guys don't understand." Fox stammered. "If you think about it, it makes sense. It's only gay if you're the one taking it and I didn't take it, I gave it, so therefore I'm not gay."

"I think you're confusing your terms," Cassie opined. "No matter what angle you take you still did something that could be construed as gay."

"What do you mean? Construed? Is that even a word?" Fox wiped his brow frustrated.

"Well, okay I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're not gay or bi, but you still had sex with another guy, which means you technically performed a gay act."

"Fine!" Fox shouted. "If you want to nitpick the little itsy bitsy tiny details then yeah okay, I did something gay, but I'm not gay!"

Wolf smirked. "Someone's a whiny fag."

"Fuck you!"

"Again?" Wolf pouted. "Fox it's a little crowded in here..."

He was about to lash out before Vilda whacked her cane against the bars startling all of them. "Shutup all of you!"

They snapped like school children in line. The hippo continued. "We need to get to today's plans. First off, Wolf, I'm personally seizing control of Andross' tier of the camp network. Your negligent, careless, balls-out behavior resulted in the obliteration of one of my drug labs and a huge loss of productivity for this entire region."

"WHAT?" Wolf shouted clawing the bars.

"And also I don't like you very much. I think you're a narcissistic queer with an emotional God complex."

"Oh ouch." Fox bit his lip.

Wolf growled still reeling. "How dare you! How DARE you! Andross is a genius compared to you! You might have the power, but he has the brains! Give him two popsicle sticks and a piece of string and in an hour he could turn it into the best cocaine Lylat can snort up its nose! You don't know who you're dealing with! You're going to regret this!" He huffed and puffed trying to catch his breath.

Fox laughed. "I think you're in trouble bud. Andross isn't going to like you very much when he gets the news." A shell-shocked Wolf looked over at Fox with a miserable look of horror.

Vilda continued sternly, "As for you Fox and Cassie, you two need to get cleaned up and look nice and shiny for today. You've got publicity to do. There are going to be cameras everywhere so you're gonna put on a happy face and you're gonna do this right. Got it?"

"Oh go fuck a tree," Cassie spat cruelly. This took Fox by surprise.

Vilda waved the tape again and her slack baggy eyes dug callously into the golden retriever. "Don't...test...me..."

The sun was already high in the eastern sky as a small pink sedan pulled through the heavily forested trail on the way to Camp Happiness. The car was jam packed with five bodies: a matching pink furred cat driving, a blue feathered avian in the front seat, a green skinned toad, old brown hare, and a bulky metal robot all in the back. They had all decided to come visit Fox. The dull thump of repetitive techno bass could be heard through the forest as they made their way, disturbing whatever small animals were mulling about.

"Are we there yet?" Falco asked impatiently.

"God, for the last time, no." Katt chewed her lip in frustration as she drove. They passed a wood entry sign. "Oh wait yes! Yes we are!" Everyone cheered. Finally entering the clearing near the main entrance of the camp, Katt pulled up and parked in an open spot next to two identical black spots cars. The rest of the clearing was filled with news vans. On the lawn in front of the large log cabin structure was a crowd of dozens of reporters with their cameras set up.

"Oh wow," Katt studied the group as she parked. "I thought this was gonna be like a low-key gig for Fox."

Falco shook his head and turned off the shitty techno music as Katt idled the car, "Nothing is low-key for Fox. Now c'mon let's go find him." They all got out and made their way toward the reporters.

"V.D! V.D!" a little raccoon boy ran up behind the hippo who was inspecting the grounds from her second floor window.

"Yes what is it Archie."

"A group of people just pulled up. It's the Star Fox team and some pink prostitute."

The hippo clenched her fist. "Fox you son of a bitch, I told you not to involve anyone else..."

Fox and Cassie sat together on a couch in the lobby. They had been released from their cell and cleaned up completely, leaving hardly any evidence they had been blasted and scorched the night before. "I have to call Pepper," Fox said quietly. "Need to let him know he's donating twenty million and why."

Cassie stared ahead feeling sick inside. "He should understand. After all, he knows about this camp...he knows everything..."

"Oh don't go all melodramatic on me. Who fucking cares! He's going to get elected, you're going to get a nice big bonus for all your work and everyone's gonna be happy."

"Fuck you Fox!" Cassie shouted brimming with rage and passion. "I don't care about my bonus anymore! I'm sick of this! This is wrong don't you see? Pepper can't be elected! He can't be the leader of our planet! It'd be morally wrong!"

"See...feminine issues. Just worry about yourself princess and let me handle the dirty work."

As the bloodhound General sat indian-style on his desk, nude and with his eyes closed, the phone next to him rang. He picked it up, his eyelids still shut. "Mmm...General Pepper in his ultimate state of Zen speaking..."

"General? It's Fox. Uh there's a situation that I kind of need your help with."

"What is this situation you speak of oh woeful and knowledgeable Fox McCloud?"

"Huh? Just listen. It's about the camp. Look...," he paused and took a breath. "I know you know this place is a drug machine and I know that you get your cocaine from here, but that's cool! I'm cool with that! Your secret's safe with me okay? But look, that secret's in danger. Things have derailed a bit and Denseneck wants twenty million or she's blowing the lid on the whole thing, the camp, the drugs, everything. We're in a shit pickle."

The General contorted his saggy face. "What? I hate pickles!"

"What..."

"Good gracious Fox, especially ones covered in shit! What the hell is wrong with you! Your father would not be proud! Pickles are so long and big and make you feel inadequate and you choke on them if you try to swallow them whole like I do. But the joke's on them! They're just cucumbers bathed in vinegar! Did you know that? I can't..."

"Pepper we don't have time for this. Now look..."

"I don't do drugs. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"General, I said it was cool."

"Though I do cocaine, but that's different."

"Right. I've had enough semantics for today. Right now we just need to..."

"And maybe quaaludes...but aren't those still legal?"

"No! They're not! How fucked up are you?"

"I have a prescription! It's medicinal! Don't push your politics on me! Is that Lassie dog with you?"

"Who?"

"The dog that barks at danger and the boy knows what she's..."

"Her fucking name is Cassie and she's not even...okay you know it's not important, just get twenty million in Denseneck's account as soon as you can. It's urgent."

"What if I just put two?"

"What? Two what?"

"Two credits."

"No General. It's gotta be twenty million, there's no bargaining this, we have..."

"Two hundred?"

"No! That's not even remotely close to..."

"Twenty-five hundred. That's my final offer."

Fox cupped the receiver and looked over at Cassie. "Yup, we're screwed."

Pepper started getting off the desk. "Fox I have to go fill another prescription and masturbate, but before I go, could you find my cocaine while you're there? I've been waiting on this shipment forever and it still hasn't come!"

"General, I'm not in a position to..."

"Fox shutup and listen to me!" He rubbed his rippled face in a panic. "Something's happened that has never happened before and it's deathly serious!"

Fox tried to interrupt, "Can we worry about the money first..."

"I'm starting to sober out! You can't let that happen Fox! Find my crack! You're the only hope for our world!"

Fox nodded. "I'll do my best...Andross won't have his way with...wait what the fuck am I saying?"

The General was pacing around in circles. He couldn't linger any longer. "Wait no! I'm coming down there. I've never been there for you and now I will! I'll help you!"

"Oh for the love of God please don't do that! I don't need your help! Oh God...oh God no!"

The naked bloodhound threw the phone at the wall and dashed quickly out the office.

"No General! No! General?...GENERAL?" Fox stared at his phone then at Cassie. "Oh shit."

"What? What is it?" she eyed him intensely as he sat frozen. He didn't budge. "What is it Fox? Fox you're scaring me!"

He finally looked up. "You know how I said we're screwed a minute ago?"

She nodded carefully.

"Yeah...multiply that by one doped up bloodhound who's going to be here very shortly."

Meanwhile at that exact moment down in the basement jail cell, Wolf dialed into his phone.

Andross picked up on the other end. "What the fuck happened, I've been trying to call you for hours!"

"Everything happened!" Wolf spat painfully. "Everything was going great! I got here and I scratched Fox's car! And it was going so well!" He started tearing up as he shouted in hysterics at the phone, "I looked really really cool and I was having one of those...you know those days when you feel good and it's just...it was all just so good! I was having that! I had that!"

"Calm down Wolf...you're not making any sense. I need you to explain why I've been locked out of the network. I can't access any camp not even Camp Happiness."

Wolf ignored him and continued, "I found Fox too! And he looked so sexy and he was so hardass and that just turns me on so much! But he found the drug lab! So I blackmailed him like you told me and it was all going great until this ragging bitch with him...just comes...she just comes out of nowhere and she...she just did something that made the whole fucking lab blow up...and there was this explosion and it was loud and I'm all burned and it's just...it's...I'm really tired now and I..."

Andross pounded his fist into his computer console. "Wolf! Get a grip! I need you to answer me! What's happened to my camp!"

Wolf wiped his face, composing himself. He took a deep breath. "It's not your camp anymore."

"What?" Andross asked lightly, wanting to pretend he heard that wrong.

"Vilda is The Big H..., she has been all along, and she's taken it from you...all of it. She's cut us out of the profits. She's cut us out of the network. You control nothing."

Andross sat in silence for a minute, everything in him was fuming. He smiled. "But that doesn't make very much sense Wolf. How could Vilda be The Big H..." his voice rose, "If SHE'S the one that was taking orders from ME!"

"It was some fucked up form of cover. I don't know." Wolf turned angry. "Oh no okay, you know what! It's you're fault for not knowing she was the big boss! I don't understand how you could not have known!"

"Because I don't deal with H in person! Do you know what that means! That means I don't SEE her! I don't HEAR her! It's all in codes and messages and writing...you have such nerve to blame me you ungrateful little pansy brat! I took you in on this! I took you under my wing! I gave you a piece of the pie! I let you suck my dick! If anything you're to blame for this! You're the one that called her a fat wrinkled bitch! You're the one that told her to change her tampon! Not me!" the ape growled.

"I'm the victim here!" Wolf screamed. "Do you know where I am right now?" He looked around panicked. "I'm sitting in a jail cell in the basement of this shithole! I've had retarded kids come up to the bars and throw food at me! I'm being treated like an animal! How dare you blame me! How DARE you! And don't flatter yourself with that taken under the wing bullshit! I got here myself! I had to have sex with a lot of people to get where I am in life! Hello?..." He paused and there was silence on the other end. "Hello! Are you even listening to me!"

Andross hung up and stared ahead at the blank computer screens. Screens that should have been showing him security monitors of the camp. The ape slowly rose from the chair. He decided it was time to pay Camp Happiness a little visit.

* * *

And that's when everything goes just a little bit more awry. Stay tuned for what might or might not be an orgasmically explosive conclusion! Or it might just suck and make you wish you never wasted almost a year reading this. 


	9. People Are Loving It

"Okay here's the plan," started Fox hastily as he and Cassie strode swiftly to the front double doors leading outside. "Quick few words saying how I enjoyed the camp, how Pepper really supports retarded kids, I take two questions from the reporters and then you interrupt and say that I have to be getting back to Corneria City for a meeting."

Cassie stopped, "No we can't do that, too suspicious. Silence only makes reporters pry more."

"Oh what the fuck do you want me to say? Hi, yes, great time, first-class drugs too!"

The golden retriever still resisted, "Well...why not? Look Fox, I'm having a lot of moral issues with this. We have to come clean about this whole place. The drugs, everything."

"Fuck, there you go again..." Fox muttered, stopping in step before they got to the double doors. "Call me retarded, but aren't you being paid to get General Pepper elected?"

"I'm getting paid to get a good man elected! Now that I know General Pepper is far from it..."

"Look! We're not coming clean about shit!" Fox growled. "I don't know if the cocaine haze has wiped your brain clean, but Wolf and Vilda each have a tape that I don't want on prime time television."

"There you go again, only thinking about yourself. You're such a selfish bastard you know that Fox?" He ignored her. "This is about the good of the planet! The good of Lylat! Think of it this way! Letting Pepper get elected would be just as bad as having everyone see you fuck Wolf!"

Fox stared at her.

"I'm serious!"

He continued to stare.

She dropped her arms. "Okay well if you got any bright options that don't result in a cokehead getting elected then you let me know." She barely gave him a second to think. "See! Can't think of any! We're coming clean."

"What about the fucking tape!" Fox shouted.

"Leave that to me. I have lots of connections in the Cornerian media. This kind of thing is my forte. I'm confident I can stop whoever Vilda sends it to."

Fox shook his head. "Alright, I'm trusting you... You got me by the balls here."

Cassie smiled, "Just how I like you. Now let's blow this popsicle stand."

Katt, Falco, and the rest of the Star Fox team were waiting outside among the crowd of reporters and parents. A few were taking pictures of Katt and Falco and asking questions. Katt modeled her whorish outfit for the cameras, a black leather miniskirt with lace up boots. There was a stage in front of the reporters with a plain white canvas backdrop as though it was to be used with some kind of projected video. Vilda and a wolf dressed as a reporter in a brown trench coat and hat waited behind the podium impatiently. The wolf had an eyepatch and was obviously the notorious Wolf O'Donnell despite his costume, but no one else seemed to notice. He glanced at his watch looking irritated and then he sneered at the hippo as though he were up there against his will.

"Ladies and gentlemen, he should be arriving any minute now," said the elderly hippo into the podium mic.

"Wow look at all these reporters!" Slippy croaked astounded. "Peppy can you remember the last time you saw a crowd like this?"

"Oh yes!" the hare started in a voice that was a little too loud for comfort. "Back in my day James and I were celebrities of the most astute kind! With parties, dancing, and sex til the sun rose!" he shouted.

Several reporters turned their mics toward him and flashed pictures.

"Why we'd bake cookies and fuck women until three in the morning!"

Falco shook his head. "Okay Peppy I think that's en..."

"But I stopped a few years later when I got this damn rash on my balls here!"

"Oh my." Katt blinked.

"Oh yes! Boy if you knew some of the tits I got to suck on back then!" he said proudly.

Falco leaned to Slippy, "You forgot his pills again didn't you?"

"That's right you kiddos at home!" He grabbed a news camera and shoved his face in it. "Big 'ol tits," the old man waved his arms around. "Big titty ta-tas, mama ta-tas, chesticles, bazoongas, shabungas, wazzoos!" By now over a dozen reporters were staring and filming. "Boy I used to do this thing with Fox's mother that James taught me. I'd lick her areola. That's the ring around a lady's nipple for those of you who didn't know, and wow that made her squeal!"

There were a few gasps from the crowd. Parents covered their children's ears. "Uh...well..." Slippy had to ponder for a moment. "...Yeah I forgot." Katt and ROB glanced at each other worried.

Falco palmed his face. "You're an ass Slippy, you know that?"

"That bitch smelled too!" The old hare declared.

"Is someone going to do something?" ROB deadpanned.

Katt rubbed her forehead trying to ignore it. "Does anyone know why we brought him?"

"Smelled?" a reporter asked.

"Like a smelly leather piss boot!" Peppy continued with wild eyes. "You know how foxes are! They all smell! Boy am I glad she got blown up in that car bomb! You could smell her puss n' boots from a mile away! I'm tellin' ya, that was not a healthy tuna sandwich! Why I think she's the one that gave me that rash!"

Falco reached for the gun in his jacket, "I can't believe I'm doing this..."

"...I always knew when she was coming!"

Katt's eyes widened, "Oh my God Falco no!"

"...I'd lower my arms like a train crossing in front of her and make a dingin' noise!"

"It has to be done." The avian aimed carefully.

"...And I'd shout at the top of my lungs! LOOK OUT! MS. MCCLOUD'S SMELLY PUSSY EXPRESS COMIN' THROUGH!"

Falco pulled the trigger and Peppy's head instantly exploded, brains and skull fragments flying everywhere as the crowd erupted into a scream filled panic. Katt convulsed and started vomiting all over herself. Slippy got an erection.

---

---

---

No, I'm totally kidding, but Falco did pull the trigger, and there was a deafening gunshot that resounded throughout the forest. However instead of a bullet, a tranquilizer dart stuck right into Peppy's arm making him croon pitifully mid-sentence. He collapsed to the ground as a flock of birds flew away from the trees overhead.

The hare babbled unintelligibly about pussy as his eyes glazed over into unconsciousness. The reporters stared in shock.

Falco replaced the gun. "Sometimes we have to put his medication in bullet form."

Vilda and a disguised Wolf on stage tried to look at where the commotion in the crowd was coming from.

"It's okay people!" Slippy shouted. "Everything's fine! Nothing to see!"

Vilda strained her old eyes but was distracted when the camp building's front doors suddenly burst open beside the stage, Fox and Cassie emerging. The crowd of reporters quickly restored to normal and gave them copious amounts of attention. A lightning storm of camera flashes bombarded the two.

"And here he is!" Vilda called. Wolf made eye contact with Fox as he and Cassie rose up the steps to the stage. He gave a wink as Fox only stared. It was a wink that said 'you fucking lose you fucking shit bag fucker.' But something happened, Fox glanced at Wolf again with a slight smirk. His smirk said back 'why are you even on stage with Vilda you gay cocksucking shit bag fucker fuck since Andross doesn't even control this camp anymore.' Wolf gasped to himself. Fox was right. It was then that Wolf knew the sly fox had something up his sleeve. He wouldn't tell the truth would he? No, impossible, but even if he did it didn't matter to him since he was right, this drug camp wasn't his priority anymore. Wolf slowly took a step back to patiently see what would unfold. At the same time he checked out Fox's ass.

"Oh look it's Fox!" Katt called to Falco as he stuffed an unconscious Peppy in the backseat of a car.

Vilda leaned into the mic, "Fox, it's been such a delicious treat having you here this weekend!" She gestured her thick wrinkled arms toward the fox, waving her hands with excitement. Fox had to admit to himself, the old bitch pulled off that fake granny bullshit pretty well in front of a crowd. "I would just like to add ladies and gentleman that Fox McCloud has been a wonderful guest here, the kids truly adore him. Fox it would be an honor if you'd share a few words about your experiences this weekend."

Fox returned a smile but he paused not wanting to approach the microphone.

Cassie prodded him in the back and he stumbled forward. "We agreed," she growled quietly. "It's for the greater good."

He sneered at her and turned back to the crowd. He knew today so much was going to get fucked because of what he had to say. Oh well. He was Fox McCloud, and Fox McCloud liked to throw gasoline on fire. He only hoped that whole tape thing was a bluff. And if not, he gave Cassie his trust to stop it before it firebombed his image. With the podium's mic now in his face he didn't quite know where to start. "Wow...where to begin!" There was silence from the crowd except for a couple of camera flashes.

"I guess I'll start with one thing." He paused and looked up thinking. "There is something utterly amazing about Camp Happiness that I discovered this weekend."

Vilda's eyes narrowed. Right away she didn't like his tone.

"Camp Happiness as you already know is a place where mom's and dad's dump their retarded kids so they don't have to deal with them."

A young feline mother in the audience looked around embarrassed. "Hey that's not...entirely..." Other parents looked at her. "Well...okay...," her voice trailed off.

"But it's also so much more than that," Fox continued.

The hippo slowly reached for a large cassette tape in her purse.

There was complete silence except for a single cough in the audience. "Camp Happiness is a place where...well..."

Cassie's eyes cringed, willing Fox to tell the truth. Vilda stared, gripping the tape angrily. Wolf bit his lip watching the hippo reach for something. The anticipation was killing him. A couple of cameras flashed as everyone hung on Fox's words.

"Camp Happiness is a camp...that...I don't know how else to put this...it's a camp that..."

"We make drugs!" a little boy shouted from the crowd. It was the raccoon boy Archie. He grinned at Vilda. Wolf huffed in surprise. Everyone gasped including Fox.

Vilda quickly laughed and shoved Fox off the mic, "Now now remember ladies and gentlemen...these kids are retarded!"

"No." Fox corrected valiantly. "The kid's right. It's all true." More gasps.

Katt burst into laughter and nudged Falco, "Oh my God did you hear that? They got retards making crack here. That's genius."

With the tape in her hands Vilda bolted for the podium. She fell on her knees and shoved it into the VCR slot as fast as she could. The malevolent granny-aged hippo sneered up at Fox. "If I go down I'm taking you with me."

His eyes widened. "Oh shit. She wasn't bluffing." Several reporters began to ask questions.

"Where's the proof!" came one shout.

"Yeah! We need proof!"

Archie the little raccoon boy skipped merrily around the crowd passing out little bags of cocaine labeled CH. Cassie grinned and cheered him on. The screen flickered as the cassette tape whirred to life. The proverbial shit was spewing out the fan.

Vilda growled at the coon. "When we're through here today I'm going to rip your little head off you traitor!" Several parents in the crowd gasped, some because of Vilda, others because of the bags of cocaine. Utter commotion was breaking out everywhere.

But then there was total silence.

"Where do you want me? Right here?" came an omnipotent voice from loud speakers on the stage. It was Wolf's voice. Fox cautiously turned around to see a vaguely familiar image projected on the large white canvas background.

"Oh my fucking Go..."

"Yeah, come over here and fuck me big boy." The projected image was of a double bed in a shitty rundown looking hotel room. Wolf was lying on top, resting on his elbow, completely nude, smirking like he always does.

Vilda's demeanor changed from pure anger to slow satisfaction as she watched the scene unfold on the massive screen. Wolf covered his mouth absolutely giddy at the sight. Fox felt his cheeks burn like fire as he slowly palmed his face too horrified to watch. Everyone stared at the projection utterly confused.

Katt looked at Falco. "What the fuck is this!"

He shook his head. "I don't know, but that hotel room looks familiar..."

Fox then heard his own voice speak from off camera. "Fuck...I can barely feel my legs, but that's not gonna stop me from fucking your brains out!" The projection showed Fox appear from the left, naked from the waist down. He stumbled onto the dingy double bed and crawled over to Wolf embracing him sloppily. Gasps from the audience resounded once again. Parents covered their children's eyes and ears with as many hands and as much arm length as they could use. Children fought them off and eagerly tried to watch.

Fox gripped his face as though he wanted to rip it off. Cassie stared in utter shock, Katt, Falco, and Slippy, the same. ROB didn't seem phased at all. He lightly chuckled to himself and felt a mechanical erection coming on.

"Oh yeah that's it, nnnnngnnngh, put it in me," came Wolf's voice. Some people screamed. One mother fainted. There were no words to describe the shocking nature of what was formulating on the screen.

Wolf, with the same satisfied half-open grin as his onscreen counterpart, slowly folded his arms and watched the video as though he had seen it a thousand times. Fox felt he had to do something as he tried to thaw himself out of shame induced paralysis. He stiffly leaned into the podium's mic. "I would just like to point out to everyone that the orange fox on screen may look like me, but really it's not..."

"Oh yeah fuck me Fox McCloud." The bed creaked and rocked.

Fox cringed and then cleared his throat. "Uh...I would like to point out that the first name Fox and the surname McCloud are both VERY common names here on Corneria which you would see if you opened a phone bo..."

"Oh God," Wolf's voice crooned. "I never thought I'd have the great Fox McCloud fucking me! Fox McCloud as in the Fox McCloud of the Star Fox team who stopped Andross five years ago from taking over Lylat. Oh yeah ride me...right there. Oh God!"

Fox coughed uncomfortably. "I would like to point out that, yes, this is me on the tape, but...if you would all just bear with me for a moment...and listen to my theory..."

An engine whined from the distance ahead cutting off Fox before he could continue. He squinted his eyes trying to ignore the grunts and moans coming from behind him and the shell-shocked audience in front of him. It was a large military sized off-road truck speeding down the dirt road toward them. Everyone was too entranced by the projection of hardcore gay sex to notice. The truck roared into the clearing where dozens of cars were parked in rows. Fox cautiously took a step back from the podium.

General Pepper stuck his head out the window, his red military cap blowing off in the wind as the massive armored vehicle screamed toward them. "LOOK OUT MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"Oh my God." Cassie stared in awe.

Katt, Falco, Slippy, ROB, the reporters, parents, kids, everyone, swerved around to see what the noise was.

Before they could react, Pepper's truck smashed into the back of a parked car and launched into the air as if it rocketed off a stunt ramp.

"Oh that's good." Fox muttered.

The airborne engine's roar became deafening as the crowd burst into a furious panic, screams erupting all over. People scuttled in a sea of terror as the truck flew gracefully over several rows of parked cars toward them and smashed down on top of a small black sports car that exploded instantly underneath. There was a collective shriek as people closest were knocked back from the blast, the rest of the crowd further recoiling from runaway truck.

Wolf grabbed his head reeling from the sight. "MY CAR!" he screamed.

"Oh yeah this is the best fuck of my life!" echoed his voice behind him.

The smoking armored truck was unphased yet out of control as it bounced onto the grass still barreling toward the stage. Fox grabbed Cassie's arm seeing that it was coming straight for them. "GO!" They dashed and leapt sideways off the edge. Wolf and Vilda dove from the other side. Fox and Wolf's onscreen grunts and moans climaxed just as the metal monster on wheels blasted into the stage, eating through it, making wood, metal, and scaffolding explode and splinter in hundreds of directions with a shower of sparks. The x-rated projection ceased and the truck took down the canvas background as it continued its rampage toward the camp building. It slammed into the outside wall with a terrible crush, everything glass in the truck exploding out as the back wheels lifted up for a weighted second. The engine sputtered and coughed until it grinded down into an exhausted wheeze.

Things settled and a moment of tense tranquility gradually formed, everyone trying to collect themselves and process what had just happened. A small flare-up of flames emanated from Wolf's already destroyed car as a cloud of dust and ashy debris lazily enveloped the campground.

Fox had landed on top of Cassie in an inappropriate doggie style position. She growled and pushed him off with her arm. "Save it for another tape."

"WHERE'S MY COCAINE!" Pepper shouted as he clamored out the sunroof of the armored truck. He was completely nude and appeared unharmed. "WHERE IS IT!"

Fox and Cassie gazed in awe trying to comprehend the sight.

Katt picked herself up off the grass where she was thrown, aching in pain, as Falco and everyone else did the same. "Oh wow," she whispered at the sight.

Vilda brushed herself off and squinted seeing the exposed canine try and climb out of his wrecked truck. "This gets better and better..."

"Give me my cocaine you selfish hippo bitch!" growled Pepper as he struggled his way out the sunroof. Small trails of smoke were billowing out from underneath the truck.

Wolf adjusted his eyepatch still abhorred by the sight in the parking lot. "WHAT THE FUCK!" he screamed. He limped across the grass toward the crushed burning skeleton that was his car. "Just...WHAT THE FUCK!" Fox's identical sports car was parked next to his. It was completely unharmed. He let out a vicious blood curdling scream.

Suddenly people started yelling again. Fox and Cassie saw it too. General Pepper was pulling a huge bazooka out the back of the truck. Most the reporters were getting set up again to continue filming what was already an astounding event.

"General NO!" Fox shouted as though trying to command an unruly dog.

But then everyone's attention shifted yet again as one person started clapping in the audience. "Oh bravo!"

Everyone looked around trying to see where it was coming from.

"Bravo bravo!" called the deep voice. It was Andross standing with a green chameleon at his side. The crowd slowly stepped away forming a circular space around them. They were both disguised as reporters in brown trenchcoats and matching hats. He took a hold of his temple Stetson and tossed it aside revealing who he was.

Leon made a pose, "Like our costumes?"

Vilda glared at the ape. "Andross! What are YOU doing here?"

"I'm coming to reclaim my factory!"

"YOUR factory?"

"Yes MY drug factory!" he bellowed. The reporters stared in awe at the infamous mad scientist they hadn't seen for years and his declaration.

Fox looked at Cassie. "As if this couldn't get any worse."

A naked General Pepper stood on top of his truck and aimed a bazooka at Andross. "NOT TODAY APE FIEND!" Everyone turned their cameras back toward him.

Small children in the crowd screamed at the sight of Pepper's dangling penis. Parents tried to cover their children's eyes for the umpteenth time. A small kitty girl peed herself. It was one thing to see it on screen, but in the flesh is a different story.

Andross stared. "General Pepper...I think...for the well being of your presidential campaign you should go back inside your truck and rampage it back home."

Katt grabbed Falco's hand. "It's Andross! What do we do?"

"Be more scared of Pepper instead?"

Fox ignored Andross and slowly removed a blaster from his jacket, carefully approaching the old bare bloodhound while holding the gun ready at his side. "General...it's me Fox. Remember?"

There was silence as the General studied him with wild bloodshot eyes.

"Bark twice if you can hear me."

Still no response.

Andross sauntered over to a news camera, "Ladies and gentlemen at home, you can clearly see the old General here enjoys the cat's pee."

Everyone stared at him bewildered.

"Cat's pee?" Wolf asked.

Andross looked around, "Yes cat's pee...that's slang for crack cocaine on the street."

"We're not on a street. We're in a camp." Vilda crossed her arms.

"Okay people you can look up this stuff on Google! It's not that hard! Fine I'll use another term and they can edit it later." He recomposed himself and looked into the camera.

"You can clearly see the old general here likes to ball."

"That makes even less sense," Cassie interrupted.

"What? Why?"

"Because I read somewhere that balling only means vaginally implanted cocaine. The General hasn't snorted a vagina."

Wolf raised a hand, "Well he snorted my ass once, what's that called?"

"Oh no I think that's something else."

Andross let out a frustrated growl. "FINE! He likes the C-dust, the blunt, the blow, the Billie hoke, the big rush, the big flake, the double bubble, the Hi-C! Take your fucking pick!"

Vilda stepped in, "Alright well right now we..."

Andross pushed her back. "I'm NOT done! He likes the ice, the lace, the lady, the line, the mama coca!"

"I JUST WANT COCAINE!" Pepper screamed waving his bazooka.

Cassie had finally reached her breaking point. Seeing the guy she was trying to get elected president announce his love for cocaine for the last time made the cork came off her champagne bottle. With a frustrated canine snarl and to everyone's surprise she yanked a small handgun out of her purse and pointed it at Vilda.

"THAT'S IT! I've HAD enough! I'm putting an end to all this RIGHT now!"

"What? Why me!" the old hippo shouted raising her hands up in surprise.

"Whoa..." Fox said astounded at the maneuver.

"Because this is a camp that makes General Pepper's cocaine and you're in charge, so that makes you the source of all my problems."

Leon nudged Wolf. "You can tell this bitch hasn't been fucked in a long time."

She swung the pistol over to the skinny green chameleon, "I happen to get fucked enough thank you very much!"

Wolf tried not to laugh while Fox intervened, "Uh Cassie no offense, I've been around you for two days and I'm convinced your pussy's grown over."

Andross shook his head, "This is why I don't keep any women around my lair."

General Pepper aimed a bazooka at Cassie, "If you shoot my crack maker...I'll blow you up."

"FINE! Blow me UP! I don't give a shit anymore. You can snort my ashes too."

"Cassie don't encourage him. He'll do it." Fox aimed his blaster at the coked out bloodhound. "General, if you blow her up I'll have to take you down."

Vilda, to everyone's additional surprise, pulled a gun out of her floral print purse aiming it at Fox with two hands. "Goodness gracious Fox, I can't allow you to take down my number one customer."

Cassie's eyes darted left and right still aiming at the hippo.

Fox kept his sights on the General. "That doesn't make sense you can't do that," Fox started. "You can't shoot me because the order of shooting if we started shooting would be Cassie shoots you, Pepper blows up Cassie, and then I shoot Pepper. So you'd die first and you wouldn't be around to shoot me."

Vilda's rigid aim remained and she looked around. "Oh I see what you mean."

More people gasped when Wolf yanked a gun from his trenchcoat and aimed at Fox. "If I'm gonna shoot something, it's gonna be you Fox McCloud. No more being just the fuckee!"

Fox's eyes cringed confused, "That wouldn't even work you ass. Vilda's already gonna shoot me."

"Wait wait, I thought hers doesn't count since she'd die first like you said."

"Yeah but she's still aiming at me!"

"But that's not fair!" Wolf complained. "She should aim at someone else now."

"No I already called Fox," the elder said, "Because there's a chance Cassie will only hit me in a non-vital limb allowing me to still discharge my gun and kill Fox."

"Shoot, I didn't even bring a gun," Andross said in disappointment as he searched his coat

"Wait!" Leon whined. He pulled out a pistol and aimed at Wolf. "Fox McCloud fucked you and you never told me?"

"Oh great..."

"That was like three years ago!" Wolf shouted. "And I think I was on crack at the time."

Fox waved his gun around, "Oh now you're the one making excuses about it!"

Cassie smirked. "So what's it gonna be fellas...and one elder woman...you ready to die?"

"Well I guess I'll just sit this one out then," Andross started taking a seat on a tree stump.

"Excuse me!" came a female voice from the crowd. Someone was parting reporters and parents as they made their way through. "I said excuse me! God!" Katt marched into the web of gun aiming dragging Falco behind her.

"I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but..." Reporters and cameras started flashing pictures of her. "Oh!" She curtsied in surprise a few times and ran a paw through her hair.

"Katt!" Fox yelled still keeping his gun on Pepper. "Falco! What are you guys doing here!"

"Don't forget us!" Slippy shouted from behind ROB.

Falco shrugged, "Don't blame me, it was her idea to come."

"Oh GOD!" Fox growled. "You guys saw everything!"

"Look Fox," Falco continued. "I got no problems if you're a gay or whatever, but man, Wolf O'Donnell? Dude, you can do so much better."

"Hey fuck you birdbrain!" shouted Wolf as Leon's gun rested against his temple. "Like you're any better Mr. 'I banged a fifteen year old whore on Zoness'!"

"She TOLD me she was TWENTY!" Falco squawked. "Why does everyone know about that!"

"I'm not gay..." Fox tiredly stammered for the last time.

Pepper wiped a tear with his free hand. "I just want some cocaine!"

"I'm gonna start shooting!" Cassie screamed.

Katt stomped her leather boot. "I was TALKING first guys! Anyway, Fox, I hadn't planned on staying this long, I gotta pick up some dry cleaning in half an hour, run to the store for some tampons...whatever. Are you guys gonna wrap this up soon?" She glanced at her watch and looked around.

Pepper's bazooka slightly faltered. "My arm really hurts..."

Fox shrugged and held his gun with two hands. "Katt I don't know, it's not like I planned this."

ROB walked up to them. "Before I go plug myself into the car and recharge, just wanted to say, hot tape. Made me want to fuck something."

"What!" Fox shouted over his shoulder.

"Yeah um...," Falco rubbed his forehead. "Slippy gave him a penis while you were gone."

The toad hid his eyes from the people that stared at him.

"Oh sh...WHAT! I'm gonna fucking kill him!" Fox yelled.

"A penis?" Wolf asked mildly curious as he checked out the tall sturdy robot.

Leon lowered his gun also checking him out. "How big is it?"

Fox growled, "Oh GOD we're not having this conversation."

"It's 9 inches."

"Ooh!" Wolf and Leon cooed in unison. Vilda raised an eyebrow also intrigued.

Cassie had a disgusted face. "Uh you guys realize that thing's a robot."

"How big did you say the penis was?" A reporter was scribbling something on a notepad.

"It's 9 inches."

Wolf bit his lower lip, "Perhaps I could give it a little test run for you?"

Leon shoved him. "Hey back off, he's mine!"

"I swear to God if either of you try and fuck my robot!" Fox barked in a raspy high pitched tone. "I will...I'll...put acid on his dick when you're not looking and it'll...eat your gay ass...holes..." He tried to keep his aim on Pepper.

"Oh ew." Leon rubbed a cheek.

"Excuse me Fox," ROB started, "But I'll fuck people at my own discretion, sans the dick acid."

"Alright," Fox groaned. "Katt I think you and robo dick should leave right now."

"Hey," Vilda started, her elderly voice surprising everyone. "Does anyone remember why we're pointing guns at each other?"

They all looked around.

"No I forgot," Wolf said.

"I'm not kidding...my arm's really really...why am I naked?" General Pepper looked down at himself confused.

Fox tried to think. They all slowly lowered their guns.

Cassie blurted, "Hey wait WAIT! NO STOP! NO we were pointing guns at each other because I wanted to kill Vilda!"

"Do you still want to kill her?" Wolf asked putting his gun back in his coat.

"No I kind of calmed down. I...I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Pepper's not getting elected." She glanced at all the news cameras filming.

The naked bloodhound looked down at his penis again, then his wrecked smoking truck, and then the crowd, "Yeah, I think I kind of messed up real bad today didn't I." He rubbed his nose.

Katt checked her cell phone for any calls she missed. "Okay well let's go."

Fox shrugged, "Yeah I just want go home..."

Everyone started folding up their news equipment and collecting their things. "Yeah great idea Fox!" Pepper cheered. "I'm gonna go home too! And maybe smoke some crack!" Pepper dropped his bazooka. The missile inside clicked when it hit the ground, a small spark igniting fuel. Fox turned around hearing the high pitched whistle of a rocket as it screamed along the ground.

"Oh you shit."

Barely anyone had time to react as the missile detonated in the middle of their circle. An ear splitting fireball burst outward in a nanosecond blasting everyone into the air like leaves blown by a fan. Cassie felt herself go airborne and in an instant she struck a tree trunk upside down with a bone crushing thud. Wolf, Leon, Vilda, and Andross all soared into the parking lot, crashing through the front windshields of different cars. Pepper's naked body was launched backward through a window of the camp building. Fox, Katt, Falco, Slippy, and even ROB all blew back across the lawn tumbling along with the rest of the crowd. ROB's dick flew out of his compartment and went straight into Saburo's ass as he whined for me to finish this story.

And then there was silence and darkness, intertwined...in a silenty darkish silence that was silent...and dark.

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Six days later at the Corneria City General Hospital downtown, there was a knock on the door of room 646A.

"Ms. Cassie ma'am, you have a visitor. Shall I let them in?" the nurse asked, carefully checking the stats on a beeping heart monitor.

"Yes," came a dry whisper from the bed.

The nurse opened the door slowly and Fox McCloud entered with a bouquet of pink carnations. He saw the golden retriever lying in a hospital bed, railing on the sides with IV tubes strung around like decorations. She was under thick blankets, her neck brace and bruised face being the only visible part of her.

"Nn...nnngh...no..." Cassie groaned angry and sleep deprived.

"Hey Cass, it's me Fox."

Cassie made an assortment of high pitched whiny noises trying to get the attention of the nurse.

"I'll leave you two alone," the nurse said as she walked out and shut the door behind her.

"I know you probably don't want to see me ever again but..."

"Get away from me you faggot..."

"But I wanted to give you some good news personally."

"Nurse..."

"General Pepper's polling with a 40 percent lead over his challenger."

"W...wha...how?"

There was another knock at the door and Fox stepped back to open it. Wolf entered wearing two eye patches.

"Bout time you showed up."

"I had a hard time finding my way you asshole."

"I don't...I don't understand..." Cassie drabbled trying to wiggle in her body cast.

Wolf smirked and looked straight past the bed. "Well you remember that night how I admitted I had a tape of me and General Pepper when I held you guys up in the drug lab, and then you called me a motherfucker yadda yadda, and then I said 'relax the competition fucked me too'?"

Cassie groaned an affirmative, a little bit of drool coming out the side of her muzzle.

"Well, I figured I owed it to you for putting you through so much shit...so I gave the tape of Pepper's competition fucking me to the networks."

"Wh...wha...?"

"So when everyone has to choose whether they want a coked up General Pepper or some other guy that fucked Wolf O'Donnell...well...they chose the naked cokehead."

"Oh Wolf..." Cassie's eyes twinkled with happiness.

"See?" Fox smiled, "So really the trip to Camp Happiness turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to his fucking campaign."

"But...but what about what happened...the drugs in the children's camp...Vilda..."

"Oh c'mon, no one gives a shit about retards." Wolf said to the wall. "Besides, they've been showing footage of the whole thing all week. People are loving it! Peppy's apparently got some TV movie deal. Andross got paroled. I'm gonna do some gay porn with Leon and ROB. It's all great."

"And as for Vilda..." Fox picked up. "Well...let's just say she's doin' her time."

Back at Camp Happiness, which was quickly converted to a real children's camp for retards under new management, several children played in the recreation room. Archie, the little raccoon boy, jumped into the ball pit and quickly smelled something terrible. A little kitty girl with balls up to her neck blushed.

"V.D. V.D.!" Archie screamed.

An old fat hippo lady in a neck brace and a janitor's uniform stopped mopping the floor nearby as children ran around her. "What the fuck do you want from me?" she grunted nasally. "What more can you take away from me..."

"Alee peed herself again!"

The hippo dropped her mop and tried to look up at the ceiling begging for God to strike her down with one merciful bolt from the blue. An armed guard watched Vilda carefully.

"This is the fourth time today!" she gnashed in a raspy voice. The kitty girl screamed and ran away from the menacing hippo, a little trail of urine following underneath her. "What the fuck is wrong with you children!"

"They're retarded," the guard deadpanned.

"One day Fox McCloud..." Vilda called to no one as she dug into the pit pulling out plastic cat pee soaked balls, "...I'll get my revenge."

**The End**

* * *

Special thanks to Haze/Strange Chameleon, children's camps, Google, and people that can read. 


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